Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Dwelling in G-man's World

They tell me I'm a pretty sharp guy. I've never failed a test, I've usually done well. Sometimes really too well (like the time I exceeded mean of the third semester Electricity and Magnetism Physics Test by more than 4 sigma, or drafted the second model answer to the Contracts question on the July 2001 NY state Bar Exam.

But there are some things in this world that really baffle me! Perhaps you would help me out, by explaining in scientific/legal/or other logical terms, your understanding of these questions?

A Baker's Dozen Mysteries of the Universe that G-man can't Understand:

1. How does CORBA/OODBMS ever speed up anything transactional?

2. Why do some states still have a death penalty when it costs the government far less to keep a convicted criminal in jail until he dies (thus maximizing his punishment, in my opinion)?

3. Why shouldn't the DP be considered queer, in the gay sort of way -- kinda like boy scouts rubbing two sticks together to start a fire, right?

4. When you lose something you need, like your car keys, why do you always find it in the last place?

5. Notwithstanding the fact that I'd eat it either way, how come a dropped half of a peanut butter sandwich never lands bread side down?

6. Why do they give you a camera in San Andreas, when you might not have a way to D/L the pictures?

7. What are al-Qaida's true political goals, and how does playing hide-and-seek like a bunch of pussies and blowing up innocent people help them achieve these goals?

8. And further, has there ever been any terrorists that weren't young, male, islamic extremists, excluding of course the older, pussified, so-called masterminds that play global hide-and-seek?

9. And still further, if the young men are united in their political goals with the old girlie men, why don't the old men become suicide bombers so that their ideology doesn't die of old age?

10. Likewise, why don't we draft old men for our armed forces, and leave the young men home to procreate and further other aims of homeland security?

11. Why would anyone ever want to sign their email with a geek code block? If you do so sign, please tell me why.

12. Why is it against the law to drive over 55 m.p.h. on the Ocean Parkway?

13. Why there is a pedestrian crossing on 34th street between 6th and 7th Avenues?