Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Ingrown Deception

I've got nail fungus. I've had it for years. Once you get it, it is really hard to get rid of. I tried every topical treatment on the market -- Lotrimin, Sally Hansen, , etc. I also tried taking doctor prescribed Lamisil pills, but when the blood tests came back, I was in nth stage liver failure (well, maybe I'm exaggerating), so I stopped taking the pills before the full course of treatment. Fortunately, it was sufficient to cure my left nail on my big toe, but my right one is still infected. Consequently, I have to keep the nail clipped really short -- and occasionally, it gets ingrown. I'm also a big baby, and find it really painful to remove them.

On our cruise, Jawbitch changed the cabin to one with a balcony. The morning we pulled into our first stop, St. Maarten, after my shower, Jawbitch offered to perform surgery on it while the skin was soft. We went onto the balcony so she could utilize the morning sunshine to work, with a cuticle cutter and tweezers. You could hear other people taking in the view, on their balconies, but you can't see them because of the privacy partitions. I can't imagine what they thought:

Jawbitch: Does it hurt when I push on the side here, or on the top?
G-man: The side.
Jawbitch, picking: I have to move the skin away so I can get it.
G-man: ooooooohhhhhhh. Uh. Arrrrgh.
Jawbitch: I can see it! Is that it?
G-man, teeth clenched: Yyyyeeeeessss.
Jawbitch, digging with the clipper: ok, that's it, I just need to get in there a little more. Can you take it?
G-man, sweating profusely from the pain: Nooooooo! Oowwwwww!
Jawbitch, handing me the tweezers: I can't get it. Here, try this.
G-man, after an extended pause: Um, I need you to push the skin aside with your nails. Yeah, like that. That's good.
Jawbitch: Can you see it?
G-man: Yeah, I just gotta stick it in a little deeper, and then I can pull it out.
Jawbitch, hearing the snickering from the balcony above: Shhhhhh!
G-man, oblivious and soaked: Look at me, I need to take another shower.