Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Lecture on the Subject of Neutering

I left work early last night for a vasectomy consult. Apparently, if it's done right, it's not really reversible, because they burn the end of your tubes to lock in the semen. This prevents a spermatic granuloma from forming, thereby rejoining the two ends of the tubes, and voila, you're no longer sterile.

G-man: Let's shop for groceries online. BTW, I went to the doctor today. He said that I needed three things before we schedule an appointment:
  1. U hafta sign the consent form. He said a lotta married guys lie about being married. He said that if the guy checks "single," he usually mails a copy of the stuff to his house and waits for the wife to call up about the procedure.
  2. U hafta drive me, becuz he's gonna give me valium.
  3. I need two jock straps. He said some people only buy one, but they get kinda gamey, becuz u gotta wear it for at least a week. And not the kind with a cup, because that just protects the equipment, but doesn't support it.

Jawbitch: Did he really use the word "gamey?"
G-man, snickering: Yeah, and he also said I need to put my balls on ice for
two days. He said frozen peas work well, because they conform to the
anatomy. Look, they got a couple of bags on sale!
Jawbitch: What did he say were the complications?
G-man: Swelling, and in a fraction of those treated, failure, and infection.
Jawbitch: What was the guy's name? Did he examine you?
G-man: I don't remember how to spell his name, but he confirmed I have two balls. He told me most guys who get this procedure are young and stupid, because they think it's reversible, but then wife #2 comes along after their midlife crisis, and usually wife #2 is younger and wants kids.
Jawbitch: wife #2 is just a sex toy anyway, not a life companion.
G-man: Yeah. Furthermore it takes two weeks for the sperm to run out, so you can't test out the operation right away without taking precautions. It's kinda like, they blew up the bridge over the river Kwai, but they have to finish the Battan death march before they're all really finished.