Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Breakfast with Little Mac

This morning, my 5 y.o. son decides he's going to wake early and eat breakfast with me. While he retrieves the spoons and pours out two bowls of Cocoa Puffs, I fixed Jawbitch a pot of coffee. I let him pour the milk because it didn't seem to be too heavy since only about a fifth of the gallon remained.

Max: Daddy, you used to drink a whole gallon of milk everyday?
G-man: Yeah, but I was somewhat older than you when I did that.
Max: I'm going to drink the rest of this milk.
G-man: Eat your cereal first.
Max: Daddy, where does milk come from?
G-man, casting a serious gaze straight in his eye: Are you sure you really want to know?
Max, somewhat squeamishly: Yes.
G-man, waves hand in air with fingers pointing down: Well, on every cow is a large pink udder that hangs down like a bag from its belly. A number of teats stick out that look like fingers. When you grab the teats and pull, milk squirts out.
Max, laughing, makes a pulling motion.
G-man, pouring a cup of joe: Nowadays, they have machines that do all the milking. The milk gets heated up to kill all the bacteria, called pasturizing, and then mixed up at high speed, called homogenizing. Then it's sealed in a container and shipped to the store where Jawbitch bought it.
Max, slurping the bowl: And what about coffee?
G-man, dramatically: I always wonder which cow the milk I just drank came from. Maybe an Oklahoma cow, you never really know, except you know it had to come from some cows somewhere. But to answer your question, high in the hills of Colombia, South America, coffee beans are plucked from plants. But in 'Nam, there's a special kind of coffee, called fox dung coffee, where little men follow a small animal around all day that they call a fox. It's not really a fox, its almost like a cat that only picks the choicest coffee fruits from the plant. After the fox's gut strips the beans from the fruit, which pass through its digestive tract unprocessed, the little men pick up beans that the fox excretes. They wash off the beans, roast them, and grind them up to make the most exotic coffee in the world.
Max, chugging the remains from the container: I think I'll stick with the milk.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Kid's discipline

One of Teahouse's last posts brought back memories for me. We have a nanny that takes care of the fruit of my loins. I often threaten them with stories about how my parents used to punish my sister and me, but I don't do what he did. Once, my sister and I were throwing a baseball that I got for my birthday in the lower level of our house. She threw it too high, and it broke the window.

My mom used one of those paddle ball paddles. That worked up until I turned 9 when it split on my ass.

My dad used a 2 x 6. That worked up until the time he died.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Some catching up to do

If you google G-man Long Island, you don't get my blog, nor is it even on the first page. You get some ice hockey bulletin board. I got quite a bit of catching up to do.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

My List Habit

I like to write lists, so I can keep track of all the things that I'd like to get done. It helps to motivate me to finish all the action items. Sometimes I do it at work, sometimes at home. Sometimes, I can swear Jawbitch sabatoges my lists, by writing things she wants me to get done. Below is a copy of a past weekend's list:

Clean Gutter
Tie down strap

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Pool Envy

In this heat, seems everyone wants to post pics of their pool, like Bluto and Chelle. Of course, when I want to, Blogger has an outage.

I live near the water. When my pool was installed (in the 80s), there was insufficient depth to the water table, so Bozo, the prior owner, had several dump trucks of fill brought in to raise the ground level. Needless to say, the pool is only about 7' deep at the deep end. AFAIK, the pool has never been marble-dusted, although it needs it badly, as the surface is pretty rough and often causes cut tiny feet or ripped bathing suits. Jawbitch and I are too afraid that the process of draining the pool will crack it from the force under the ground, due to its proximity to the water table. In the bottom of my gunite pool are a series of plumber plugs filling holes that lead to the water table to help equalize the pressure. But, unlike Bluto and Chelle's pools, mine doesn't have a slide.

So now, I must challenge Bluto and Chelle: canneth thou bloweth the infamous ring bubble?

Dost thou have an aquatic human hampster wheel?

Could thou survive thine spray-o-death?

I thinkest not. Take that Bluto and Chelle. Addressing Pink's debacle, G-man quietly hears James Brown's voice in his head, exclaiming "in a hot tub."

Monday, July 17, 2006

Voting Rights Act

Should the Senate renew the 1965 Voting Rights Act? Politicians love to artificially rig the voting system. Maybe the Federal Government could get its collective ass in gear and start using simple technology that's been available for decades.

Issue a Federal identity card to all federal citizens of the United States of America. Such identity card should automatically entitle the holder to vote, rather than requiring a person eligible to vote to register. Put a bar code on it. Put a unique identifier on it. Maybe even an identifier that is part of a public key pair. Put the person's name and birthdate and location on it. Issue it when a person gets registered for Social Security. Give one to every federal citizen for free. Let the Federal Government maintain a database of identifiers.

Require this identifier when obtaining a valid U.S. Passport or other identity documents such as state driver's licenses. Require placing the identifier number on Federal tax forms (if different than Social Security number).

Let all persons who meet the statutory age vote, rather then requiring eligible voters to register. Let voters register their residence through their identifier and a Federal website. Maybe even let people vote online rather than at a polling place. Take race and political tinkering out of the system. Why not? Fuck the liberals who say it's a violation of privacy rights. I'm pleased to hear your comments.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Some advice for the Ladies this weekend

Before you get ratted, make sure you Wax.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Happy Birthday Jawbitch

I hope we have many more together. I love you. See you soon.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

In-Flight Lexicon

Yet again, I took a flight out of gate 4 from JFK, this time for a deposition in Seattle. That's the same gate that I traveled out of during my ill-fated flight to Anguilla. This time, as with the last episode, JFK baggage handlers again took an extremely long time to load the plane. And yet again, we pulled onto the stacked runway as number 47 for takeoff. The captain blamed it on the weather. After we took off, they offered to sell food to the poor people in the main cabin. G-man lucked into First Class on the client's dime.

Flight Attendant: Would you care for the pasta or beef?

G-Man, furiously riffling through paper in an effort to catch up with work: Well, I'm actually quite busy now. And since we waited on the ground for two hours, I'm famished.

Flight Attendant: Yes, but would you care for the pasta or beef?

G-Man: I'm actually quite weak from hunger at this moment. I don't think I could take care of the preparation of either of those meals.

Flight Attendant: So you don't want anything?

G-Man: I would really like to eat something, preferrably the beef.

Flight Attendant walks away with a puzzled look on her face.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Bleach, Bank-it, Gigalo

Dianna, your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Adriana Coelho

Props to Chelle for that one.

Monday, July 10, 2006


I feel like that fish, Dorie. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Sunday, July 09, 2006


I gotta lotta catchin up 2 do.