Going Postal

Associates working at a lawfirm are like salmon swimming upstream. I keep telling myself, so long as I can hold out for another year, I'll be ok. I look around and see associates who have been asked to leave last year that are still here. Then I don't feel so bad. But when they go, I worry that they might come back postal.

What is it about boring jobs that make people go off the deep end? Maybe it's because you really feel no self-worth doing a meanial, boring job; but if you're let go while doing it, then you feel like you're really no good at anything and want to get revenge at those who judged your subpar performance?

Hittin' Switches

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- The city attorney's office filed a lawsuit in Los Angeles Superior Court against Take Two, publisher of "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas," for allegedly hiding pornographic material inside the video game. As you know, the game features characters that commit crimes such as murder, drug dealing and pimping. The game also purportedly has an embedded "mini game" in which characters could engage in explicit sexual acts.

Rocky Delgadillo said his office sued for making misleading statements in marketing the game and engaging in unfair competition. The industry board that rates video games gave it a mature rating but would have given it an adults-only rating if it knew of the explicit content, Delgadillo said. But Delgadillo's attempts to find the mini-game were rejected when he failed to complete his assigned missions.

The game's rating was later changed and retailers, including Wal-Mart Stores Inc., Target Corp. and Best Buy Co., pulled copies from their store shelves. The game was re-rated only after more than 12 million units had been sold, generating about $600 million in retail sales.

"Businesses have an obligation to truthfully disclose the content of their products -- whether in the food we eat or the entertainment we consume," Delgadillo said. "They also have an obligation to leak cheat codes so that amateur gamers like myself can engaging in simulated pornographic activities." Delgadillo is seeking civil penalties from Rockstar Games Take-Two Interactive.

Ode To Fresh

Sure Happy Its Thursday, Part V

What is your most favorite late night snack? Links encouraged.

Crawling King Snake

Since the "rocket docket" Eastern District of Virginia jammed up, the Eastern District of Texas has become the patent lawsuit capital of the nation. I might be going to a trial there soon.

DR: Hey Texas-bound friend, did you find the jury instructions? If not, let me know and I'll send them to you.
G-man: Yes, now do I get to strap on my gun, pin on my badge, and become the "Law-Man?"
DR: You betcha, and eat all the grits your little heart desires!
G-man: Only if they have cheese and jalapenos in them, otherwise I might as well be eating library paste.
DR: or unless the grits are from Alabama--had the best grits there last month! But there is something to be said for library glue too.

The Big Game

Our firm poker tournament is this Thursday. Last year, I played for the first time, and came in third. First place left the firm, and second was from D.C., so I'm sort of the local champ. Since that time, I've improved my skills tremendously. But I'm kinda nervous about it, because I perceive many people are gunning for me.

In this year's tournament, the top two persons from each table make it to the final table. But no extra chips are given when advancing to this final round. I complained to AB, the tournament director, (and his senior associate, KF) about this:

G-man: Suppose three players are left. Short stack goes all-in, midstack calls, and chipleader raises over the top. Midstack calls all-in. Chipleader wins. Midstack comes in second, but proceeds to the final table with no chips & thus is out. I suggest you amend the tournament rules to grant $1500 additional chips (which should be nominal) to all players reaching the final table to avoid this problem.
AB: The scenario you suggest is extremely unlikely and does not warrant any special accomodation. Everyone comes to the final table with their chips. Otherwise, would we give extra chips to just those who came in second with chips. The big stack can only call up to the amount of the short stack. After that, if the chip lead re-raises, he can either call the chip leader or not. The short stack is no longer at issue.
G-man: You know, if I'm the chip leader, without extra chips, I'm gonna put you, the bigger short stack who called, all-in, and then watch you fold.
AB: Perhaps, unless I have a better hand. It all works out in the end. If only one person from a table makes it, so be it.
G-man: Be prepared to meet your doom, then.
AB: So it begins.......
KF: Other than you are both losers and I got to give AB some more work . . . I'm actually not sure I entirely follow it all, but the benefit of getting additional chips would actually have cured my situation last year, where I made the final table but could only pay one blind or so. On the other hand though, perhaps the reality is that it is not about making the final table, its about winning the tournament. Thus, part of the calculus should not just be to squeak in but also to come in with a chip lead. In any event, I can go either way but am happy to side with you against AB just for the hell of it . . . .
AB: Needed KF for help? Is it because he was the short stack at the final table last year and, perhaps, the only person who may agree with your silly "online" position? There will be no rewards for getting knocked out. You two need to quit hanging out at the PAL non-score keeping soccer leagues where everyone gets a trophy, there will be one winner (me) and two losers (you).
G-man: The only place we'll be hanging out together will be the final table, which if you're lucky and the poker gods are kind to you, you might be able to join us.

Sure Happy It's Thursday, No. IV

What is the most disgusting thing you ever saw on the web? Links encouraged.

If Only Abe Were Here

Ms. Clinton: "When you look at the way the House of Representatives has been run, it has been run like a plantation, and you know what I'm talking about!"
Sharpton: Dumb assed bitch, ain't nobody here ever worked on a plantation. How the fuck does she expect us to know what she's talking about? The Emancipation Proclamation was made before my granddaddy was born.
Ms. Clinton: Why don't you come spend a week at my house, Al? I'll show you what I mean.
G-man: Yeah, that way, not only will she be able to verbally abuse you with the hope that you'll redirect your anger at others, but she'll even be able to listen to all your phone calls Al, because your cell phone won't work there!
Sharpton: Shut up, honky.

Excerpts From A Coloring Book For Lawyers

I won't pretend that I drew these pictures. Perhaps Little-G wants a copy?

Sure Happy It's Thursday, Numero Tres

Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul II has been freed. After his release from an Italian prison in 2000, he was transferred to Turkey to serve time for the 1979 murder of Turkish left-wing newspaper editor Abdi Ipekci and the robbery of an Istanbul factory that year. Today he is a free man, but must serve in the Turkish military for two years before he can rejoin the civilian population. What do you think about this idea?

I'm Gonna Crawl

G-man: Do you think this guy looks like me when I was younger?
Jawbitch: no because you could not grow a goatee.
G-man: But, leaving that fact aside, I mean....
Jawbitch: A little.

For those of you who have seen me, what do you think?

1983 (A Merman I Should Turn To Be)

Funny how you get back to the office and everything becomes the same rapidly. I've even reacquired the chest cold that I had when I left that doesn't seem to go away.

So, what were you doing in 1983 (if you were more than just a twinkle in yer daddy's eye?)

The Ole Double Check Raise

They had Texas Hold'em on the boat! Two tables only -- 4/8 and 5/10, both limit games. Limit is not really all that difficult to play. There's virtually no bluffing, it's hard to force anyone out on the hand, and usually the person who would have made the best hand wins, unless they get psyched out. The trick is to pick a good starting hand, and then watch out for somebody else to outdraw you.

In my best hand of the first evening, I started with a 9-10 suited clubs. Four people called before me, so I called $4 just before the button. The button raised, small blind called, big blind folded, and the rest called, including me, resulting in seven players and a $56 pot.

The flop comes 5-5-9, rainbow, with one club. Play checked around to me. I figured no one in front hand the five, or they were slow-playing a five, but because I caught a decent, albeit low pair, but had some outs, I bet $4. Button raised to $8, small blind raised to $12, one person in front called and everyone else folded. So, for $8 more (or maybe twelve if the raises went limit up), I could get a piece of what should be a $92 pot, so I called. Then button raised to $16 and small blind re-raised again to $20.

G-man, thinking, wait a minute! Small blind can't do that!: There's already been four bets. How can he bet again?
Dealer: Four raises are permitted.
G-man: On every street?
Dealer: Yes.

The guy ahead of me folded during my protest. So, I reluctantly plunked down another $8. Button called, making the pot $116.

On the turn, the poker gods smiled on G-man. A nine appeared. I had the nuts: full house, nines over fives. I was pretty sure button and small blind each had a five, making two losing hands of fives full of nines. Small blind checked to me, so I thought about it, then checked. Button bet $8, small blind called, and I raised $8. Both called.

On the river, a seven appeared! Fantastic, I thought. Small blind checked to me. I feigned disgust, and considered whether I could pull off two consecutive check raises in a row. I decided that greed would get the best of these two players, because at least one of them held a five, but neither knew what I knew, that I was not the one holding a five, so I checked. Turned out I was right.

Button bet, small blind called, and then I raised. Button and small blind called. Big blind showed his K-5. Small blind had 5-4 suited. I turned over my cards.

Small blind: That was pretty ballsy for me to call all the raises and re-raises at the flop.
G-man, tipping the dealer $2: Gosh, I've played in Atlantic City and online, and everywhere I've played, four bets capped it. Dealer, I think you're wrong about that.
Dealer, pushing my tip back at me: That's the rule here -- four raises.
Another player: No, that's how they play in Vegas.
G-man, pushing $4 at the dealer: No, I played at the MGM Grand, and that's the rule there. But I thank you for being wrong.
Dealer, pushing my $4 tip back: I'm not wrong!
G-man, pushing the $4 tip back: Ok, perhaps that's the rule at Carnival, in which case, I'm sorry, you are right. And I thank you for enforcing the rules.
Dealer, accepting my bet: you're welcome.
Button: I figured that you had A-5, looking for the Ace, but I expected to split the pot with you.
Small blind: That was pretty good, check raising twice in the same hand.
G-man, thinking out loud: Yep, the ole double check raise.

Anchors Aweigh!

Q: What's worse than getting nail fungus?














A: Having the corner of a 75 pound, Jawbitch-packed suitcase rolling off the top of the van fall onto it. Maybe it will fall out?

Sure Happy It's Thursday, Vol. 2

Describe your most favorite, bizzare piece of furniture [that your significant other really wants you to get rid of].

Ingrown Deception

I've got nail fungus. I've had it for years. Once you get it, it is really hard to get rid of. I tried every topical treatment on the market -- Lotrimin, Sally Hansen, , etc. I also tried taking doctor prescribed Lamisil pills, but when the blood tests came back, I was in nth stage liver failure (well, maybe I'm exaggerating), so I stopped taking the pills before the full course of treatment. Fortunately, it was sufficient to cure my left nail on my big toe, but my right one is still infected. Consequently, I have to keep the nail clipped really short -- and occasionally, it gets ingrown. I'm also a big baby, and find it really painful to remove them.

On our cruise, Jawbitch changed the cabin to one with a balcony. The morning we pulled into our first stop, St. Maarten, after my shower, Jawbitch offered to perform surgery on it while the skin was soft. We went onto the balcony so she could utilize the morning sunshine to work, with a cuticle cutter and tweezers. You could hear other people taking in the view, on their balconies, but you can't see them because of the privacy partitions. I can't imagine what they thought:

Jawbitch: Does it hurt when I push on the side here, or on the top?
G-man: The side.
Jawbitch, picking: I have to move the skin away so I can get it.
G-man: ooooooohhhhhhh. Uh. Arrrrgh.
Jawbitch: I can see it! Is that it?
G-man, teeth clenched: Yyyyeeeeessss.
Jawbitch, digging with the clipper: ok, that's it, I just need to get in there a little more. Can you take it?
G-man, sweating profusely from the pain: Nooooooo! Oowwwwww!
Jawbitch, handing me the tweezers: I can't get it. Here, try this.
G-man, after an extended pause: Um, I need you to push the skin aside with your nails. Yeah, like that. That's good.
Jawbitch: Can you see it?
G-man: Yeah, I just gotta stick it in a little deeper, and then I can pull it out.
Jawbitch, hearing the snickering from the balcony above: Shhhhhh!
G-man, oblivious and soaked: Look at me, I need to take another shower.