Friday, April 29, 2005

More Party Poker Chat

While attempting to brush up on my French, I noticed that the avitars in the game change their appearance. The table discussion concerns the chromosomal inaccuracies, and all the while, I manage to double my stake. Then someone gets a wee bit upset with my typing skillz:

G_man123: parlez vous francais, beauchaminbo?
ghjp9233: G-man, u speak french?
G_man123: mais non, but i can read french, and thus chat french
ghjp9233: maybe u need to practice. get a french girl
G_man123: yeah, that's what I need, a French girlfriend
G_man123: my wife would kick my ass
ghjp9233: just ass
ghjp9233: probable the ball
G_man123: the girl beauchaminbo sitting next to me just talks with her chips
[G-man wins]
G_man123: ty
G_man123: but I speak louder than her
G_man123: and she's a mute
[G-man wins again]
you have no girl sitting next you G
G_man123: just to my left
ghjp9233: she is a he
jujubee555: i don't think that's a lady
G_man123: looks like a lady to me
G_man123: maybe a cross dresser
jujubee555: don't think so
G_man123: why not?
G_man123: I mean, her name: beauchaminbo -- might as well be pat
G_man123: I'm waiting for you juju
G_man123: cat got yer tongue?
jujubee555: i'm sorry ..for what?
G_man123: why do you think it's a guy?
G_man123: it's got breasts
jujubee555: oh, muscles
G_man123: those aren't man boobies
jujubee555: oh, oops
G_man123: and long eyelashes and
G_man123: other indicia of femininity
jujubee555: ok ok
shepard10: having boobs doesent make a women these days
G_man123: that's right! that's why i said it's a cross-dresser, shep
G_man123: afaik, that's a girl.
G_man123: until it talks, one must assume that
ghjp9233: for sure
[beauchaminbo leaves. G-man wins again]
ghjp9233: you scared her off G
G_man123: yeah, well, I tend to do that sometimes
G_man123: but it's not my fault, it's only an amusement
G_man123: park, where anyone can get off at any time
G_man123: if they dont like the ride.
G_man123: ya know?
ghjp9233: that is one good way to put it
G_man123: tyvm
ghjp9233: where are you from Gman
ghjp9233: not in Germany
G_man123: no, NY. and u?
ghjp9233: Korea
r there any young ladies in here or just old ladies
G_man123: nope, just us geezers
ghjp9233: only one lady in our table
G_man123: i see more than one
SeminoleDud5: if i would have stayed in i would have goten a straight
G_man123: woulda coulda shoulda
G_man123: but it wouldn't have beat mine
[G-man wins big]
what was yours
ghjp9233: nh
jujubee555: nh
G_man123: tyvm
G_man123: 9 high
SeminoleDud5: mine was 7 high
G_man123: right, i knew that
G_man123: that's why i got more play money than u
SeminoleDud5: how do i get more?
G_man123: there are four rules to get more
G_man123: u got to
G_man123: 1. know when to hold em
G_man123: 2. know when to fold em
G_man123: 3. know when to walk away
G_man123: and
G_man123: 4. know when to run
abigbozo: al right Kenny
G_man123: that was 4 the benefit of my Korean friend gh
abigbozo: probably not into country
SeminoleDud5: darknite u r going down
ghjp9233: i need river
G_man123: dont we all
G_man123: nice big pot
G_man123: i give it to seminole
[table shows J-7 straight]
whose got the queen?
kut08: i do
G_man123: meanwhile, gh, have you heard that song?
G_man123: if kut's got it, i'm out.
[G-man folds]
what song
abigbozo: The Gambler
G_man123: the lyrics i recited when i typed the rulez
ghjp9233: yes Kenny Roger's
G_man123: kut, if you want to win, you got 2 lie about what u got
G_man123: poker's all about lying
kut08: i had 8910JQKA
G_man123: kool, seven card straight
kut08: it won;t ever let me raise more, why?
kut08: it only let me raise like 10 or 15
SeminoleDud5: hey jujubee how r u tonight
G_man123: this is a 5/10 table, just look at the banner
G_man123: you can only raise 10
kut08: darnit
jujubee555: kut, just to settle something are you man or woman? Not personal.
G_man123: lol
ghjp9233: G what does lol means
G_man123: kut wasn't the individual that was sitting there before
G_man123: gh, lol means "laughing out loud"
ghjp9233: tks i could not figure out
jujubee555: i know but same form is used for each gender
jujubee555: we may never know
G_man123: I know ju, so that doesn't settle the issue of whether beauchaminbo was a man or a woman
G_man123: all i know is, it was a mute
jujubee555: it would if kut would answer
G_man123: no, kut is a different person, and not a mute
jujubee555: well i mean it would to me
G_man123: r u a woman?
jujubee555: me or kut?
G_man123: u juju, kut's quiet right now, trying to figure out what i got in the hole
kut08: look
kut08: im not here to chat
kut08: im here to play poker
kut08: u wanna chat
jujubee555: maybe mystery is best, ok kut
G_man123: then give me your chips
G_man123: cause i';m here to do both at the same time
[G-man hammers all, taking kut's chips]
very nh
G_man123: c what i mean?
ghjp9233: nice can't beat you 2nite G
ghjp9233: bye all i will go for my lunch now
G_man123: k, nice playing with you
G_man123: keep up the good work
jujubee555: bye
ghjp9233: see you again maybe
G_man123: yep
G_man123: so kut, which is it, man or woman?
G_man123: likewise juju
G_man123: ok, kut, i'll leave u alone, so u can concentrate
G_man123: but juju, u have 2 fess up.
suddenly, the din dies down, and a hushed pallor spreads across the table
G_man123: like the last golden leaf blown from a nearly naked tree in fall
[more silence]
sorry, with a name like juju what do you think?
G_man123: dunno, ju, could be some kinda double religion or somethin
G_man123: or, u might like sweets
jujubee555: no. like the candy
G_man123: i said that first
kut08: wow
jujubee555: i'm slow typing
kut08: i did not realize i was in yahoo chat
kut08: let's play poker
jujubee555: i did't know i could stop you from playing
G_man123: what were you doin there in yahoo chat? This is party poker.
G_man123: so play
G_man123: i am
jujubee555: me too
G_man123: nh juju
jujubee555: see
jujubee555: ty
G_man123: kut's gonna get up an leave, cause she can't keep quiet, and gets distracted by the chat
G_man123: seminole, all-in. good luck buddy
G_man123: maybe i'll just sit out and narrate, just to piss off kut
[G-man sits out]
[kut leaves the table]
yep, i knew that would happen
jujubee555: it worked
G_man123: cracks me up
[skibreeze sits down in kut's place]
skibreeze: fine this is my 1st time
skibreeze: I might be slow
SeminoleDud5: hey its cool
SeminoleDud5: what is your real name
G_man123: juju, don't you notice that skibreeze looks different from kut?
jujubee555: i do, needed another lady
jujubee555: welcome
G_man123: so, either beaucheminbo was a woman, or a cross-dresser
G_man123: that settles the issue for me
SeminoleDud5: skibreeze do u have a bf or single
skibreeze: married
G_man123: seminole's trolling
SeminoleDud5: r u in your 30 or older
G_man123: make something up skibreeze
skibreeze: i am 34
G_man123: sheesh, hey semi, or shall i call u dud? I'm leaving it all up to u, leisuresuit larry, trying to score. Have a good one

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Brief Tension

Ever since 9/11, I consider just coming into work to be a life-and-death struggle. Not everyone shares my intensity, but I love how a deadline can turn even the most meek, mild-mannered senior associates into a raging animals:

G-man: I have a draft expert's declaration. Not to rush you, but do you have a draft of the brief yet, so I can see how well it fits together?
DA: No. And might I add that you are lucky that I even responded to such a question.
G-man: Anything I can do to help? :)
DA: I think I've asked you this before, but do you believe in mercy killings?
G-man: No, I don't.
DA: Then you cannot help me at this time.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

ReCalcitrant Court Clerks

We had a brief due at noon. The paralegal filing the papers called me a few minutes after, and told me that a clerk at the SDNY refused to accept the papers, because our expert's declaration bore a faxed signature. I had him file the rest of the papers, albeit a few minutes late, rather than take their bullshit Hobson's choice of seeking out a magistrate to determine whether they should take all the papers. Bastards.

Upon his return, the paralegal could not find a rule prohibiting faxed copies, so he called the clerk's office and was told that this is their customary practice, and they couldn't cite a rule. After re-reading the entire local rules, and the judge's rules, and after we found them notably devoid of any rules whatsoever on this subject, the senior associate DA got all pissed off and pointed out FRCP 5(e), which states, in pertinent part:
The clerk shall not refuse to accept for filing any paper presented for that purpose solely because it is not presented in proper form as required by these rules or by any local rules or practices.
(Emphasis added). Even if the SDNY or the Court made a rule, the FRCP prohibits rejection. Furthermore, local and court rules can't trump the FRCP.

Unless opposing counsel makes an issue of it, no harm no foul. But what I really wonder is, do we have any recourse for the clerk's improper behavior, clearly in violation of the rules? Further, should we clear up what is apparently a widely held belief in the Clerk's Office that they can willy-nilly reject papers on whatever basis they wish, despite whether it prejudices the litigant, our client?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Power of the Pen, Er Email

So my question is, should I cash the check and use the $400 voucher too?

Dear Mr. G-man:

Thanks for your additional comments. Our special D.O.T. representative is looking into this situation in reference to your comments. However, in an effort to put this matter behind us, I've mailed a check in the amount of $135 as you requested.

This is an "outgoing only" email address. If you 'reply' to this message by simply selecting the reply button, we will not receive your additional comments. Please assist us in providing you with a timely response to any feedback you have for us by always sending us your email messages via at


Shelli R. Gipson
Customer Relations
American Airlines

Damn right I will!

Monday, April 25, 2005

Verbal WWF Smackdown

There's a few good online sites that permit you to gamble using play money. I find that the conversations can become quite amusing too, but it's somewhat challenging to think about the game and concurrently chat. The tonguelashing is exquisite in this recent transcript I made on, even though it's hard to tell what's going on in the game. To give you some context, I'm beating this guy bad in Texas Hold'em. He claims to be John Cena, pro wrestler, and goes by the handle ToiletPaper3. If it really was Cena, he's definitely not the champ in this ring. As you will see, the table doesn't like him either:

ToiletPaper3: i got more money than you gman
G_man123: do the math, chump -- it's play money. Zero times anything is still zero.
ToiletPaper3: so
ToiletPaper3: i got ace ace
solidedge: you have the a s s
therob2004: sure u have
G_man123: you're a liar
G_man123: and not a very good one either
ToiletPaper3: so
solidedge: good comeback
ToiletPaper3: a got ace jack
ToiletPaper3: *i*
solidedge: so
chixta25: shows immaturity on toiletpaper
solidedge: so
G_man123: I wipe myself with him
solidedge: more than that on tp
therob2004: u need 2 flush
solidedge: twice
G_man123: he can't take it
[ToiletPaper3 folds again]

ToiletPaper3: shout ass wipe\
solidedge: he can leave it
ToiletPaper3: jk\
solidedge: so
ToiletPaper3: jk\jk
chixta25: so
G_man123: so
solidedge: jw/jw
G_man123: nice set rob
solidedge: just wiping
[waiting a long time for ToiletPaper3 to bet]

G_man123: he can't bet and wipe at the same time
chixta25: hahaha
G_man123: i mean type
solidedge: so
therob2004: aint notyin 2 wipe
chixta25: so
G_man123: so fold tp
solidedge: just folding
solidedge: then wiping
G_man123: tp works better when its folded
solidedge: bet he's single ply
ToiletPaper3: fhfhhfhfhfhfhfhffhhffhfhfh]
solidedge: so
chixta25: so
ToiletPaper3: ****
G_man123: his typing skillz are lacking too
therob2004: so
solidedge: so
chixta25: so
ToiletPaper3: so
solidedge: aw, he flushed
G_man123: so, u suck tp
chixta25: hahaha
solidedge: i hate to be out of tp
chixta25: me 2
chixta25: so...
solidedge: he's back!
G_man123: so substitute with a leaf
chixta25: hahaha
solidedge: i have a job for u tp
chixta25: thats what he does, thats y he's called TP
ToiletPaper3: come say that to my face im john cena doctor of thug-o-nomics
solidedge: flush-o-nomics
G_man123: so what tp
ToiletPaper3: u suck
solidedge: so
chixta25: so
therob2004: who cares
solidedge: so
ToiletPaper3: im john cena a pro wrestler
G_man123: so I'll have to post his weak responses on my blog, just to show what a chump he is
G_man123: and embarass the XXXX out of him.
chixta25: only 2 words..
chixta25: so
G_man123: you're John Cena, pro luser
[ToiletPaper3 leaves the table]

haha he left
G_man123: He should stick with wrestling. Just like my grandfather used to say, if you can't take run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Bachelor's Pad

As you may remember, my family and I just got back from Anguilla six weeks ago. This morning, my family took a double vacation: a cruise without me. I'm contemplating a run to Atl. City next weekend. Other than going to work, whaddaya think I should I do this week?

At 5:30 a.m. this morning, Max threw a hissy fit, refusing to eat the toast I offered him. GG was very upset because she wanted to come to the "Take your child to work" day with me this Friday, the same day I have an important reply brief due (and one of the chief reasons why I'm not going).

Jawbitch wrote the following note, in illegible Dr.'s scribble:

Birds MWF
Fish everyday
Plants Thurs --

Buy: Milk
School Drinks
Cold Cuts
for School - Turkey

and then Gram (hereafter known as "Dustwitch Senior") adds the following:


Waiving goodbye, a little drop of moisture squeezed out of the corner of G-man's eye.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Crunchy Pudding

Generally, I like to knock down a sweet, just before bed. But for some reason, my family is intrigued by my late-nite eating habits.

Jawbitch, working on a lecture on her laptop in bed: You know, you are the only person I know who chews pudding.
G-man: I'm sorry. Am I annoying you?
Jawbitch: You better shut your trap or I'm going to knock you out. And throw out the empty cup so the boy doesn't see it and start taking after you.

The next evening, I'm tucking the kids in.

Max: Daddy, did you eat pudding in bed last night?
G-man: Did you see me eat pudding in bed?
GG: I know you ate pudding daddy. Don't pretend that you didn't.
G-man, quizzically: Well, how do you know, if you didn't see me? Did you actually see me eat it? What makes you think I ate it?
Max: Because there was an empty cup on your table last time, and this time there was one in your trash can, and a dirty spoon on your table.
G-man: Just because you found garbage somewhere and fouled utensils somewhere else doesn't mean that it was me. If you didn't see me eat the pudding, how do you really know it was me?
GG: Come on daddy, don't lie.
G-man: I haven't said anything false. Not like you little G, telling your story about how the highlighter "fell" on your shoe and somehow magically left a mark the size of a quarter, as if highlighter ink could rapidly spread across that much surface area during the brief gravitational encounter between the shoe and the pen. That's lying, and easily detected, because it doesn't comport with the facts. And even if I did eat pudding, Mac, what's it to you?
Max: You ate it. I'm telling mommy.

I think I'll be eating late night in the backyard from now on.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

High Stakes Poker Redux

Pad's comment sparked a memory in my feeble brain. Once when I was in college, I agreed to participate in a "cold study." That's when you sign a release form to be a guinea pig for a holiday weekend in exchange for some cash. They put a Rhinovirus up your nose, or a placebo, and then you get treated with some nasal spray medicine shit. In retrospect, it was a pretty stupid thing to do, but I needed the money. Plus I had no where to go for the holiday weekend, and they put you up in a wing of the hospital next to the psycho ward and feed you all you can eat hospital food too.

I was playing five-card stud poker with some buddies and a scantily clad girl. She was from Texas, and wore a flimsy, see-through nighty, just to torture us guys. I can't remember her real name, but we called her Dallas Alice. Maybe one of my college friends reading this can remind me. I do remember how she looked -- gorgeous, stacked, and all jiggly when she giggled.

Anyways, Alice was getting tired, and wanted to go to bed. She wasn't doing too well, so she bet most of her small pile of chips, which probably amounted to some pocket change in real money. I had a 7-8-9 of diamonds, and drew two cards. After her draw, she bet the rest of her chips. I looked at my cards, and found I had drawn a six and 10 of diamonds.

And that's how G-man folded the first straight-flush he ever got in his life.

So Pad, it does get any better than that, sometimes.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Jawbitch's Wild Ride

I had dinner with Jawbitch last Wednesday. We generally try to take some time out from our busy lives and have a date in the middle of the week. It doesn't always work out, but we get to watch Alias together afterwards.

Jawbitch: Ya know, I've had my lease on my convertible for almost two years now. Today, I took it to the Volvo dealer for service. They started abusing me, because I told them the service light was on for like, the last 3000 miles or so. So I told them, "Look, [bi-atch] this isn't my car, I just drive it." Guess what? Then I noticed the inspection sticker hasn't been replaced since, July 2003! So I really let them have it! I asked the guy why they haven't done a NY State inspection the last two times they had the car? So they gave me this loaner. It was really cool. It had all this navigation shiz, head's up display with who's singing to me over the radio, computer controlled climate. It was really cool. Then I go to adjust the seat, and I can't figure out how to raise it, so I asked the guy. He tells me I have to pump this lever. I said, "You got all these gizmos in this car, and I gotta pump some m-f lever just to raise the seat! Whazzup with dat?"

Monday, April 18, 2005

The Real Me

So I received a notice in the mail from my pharmacy concerning a class-action suit for some psycho-drug I took right after 9/11. I guess I can tell you about it, because if I can't bare my soul in my own Internet playground, then there's nowhere that I can, and no one that I can share it with, except of course Jawbitch. Besides, you don't know me IRL (except of course, if you're IA, THB, pink, and a few other lurkers, sailors, or old college buddies). Then again, they all probably think I'm a rock, because I learned long ago (even before college) never to let on that you have any weaknesses, like this past problem, and especially not IRL. I don't mind letting them know, their all ex-coworkers now. But they can vouch for me, I always kept a tough guy attitude -- the real deal, corn fed, nuclear hardened, 2nd degree blackbelt, and all that shit, which, 'cept for my minor neuroses, ain't far from the truth. Then again, I make it known that I believe it ain't a man-thing, cause I've always said that any woman can stop a bullet just as well as I can. However, I hope nobody from my current firm reads this tripe. Anyways, that's just a little off-topic, and I blabber and digress, although this is all really related to the song on my walkman, which is the title of this post, and thumbs up to anyone recognizing the artists and/or the album.

Anywayz, they asked for the dates I bought the drug, the amount I paid, etc. Good thing the pharmacy letter had all that shit. So I filled out the claim form and mailed it. I figure, after they cut out the atty's fees, that there'd be enough to give me a free lunch or something. My question is, has anyone else filed one of these, and if so, did you ever see any dough?

Sunday, April 17, 2005

My Third Notice to AA

Dear Shelli R. Gipson:

Thank you for your email, and your explanation. However, the cited Conditions for Carriage are applicable only for Domestic Flights. See 1st para., which states in pertinent part, "the following Conditions of Carriage ... apply to all transportation provided by American (including transportation on codeshare partners) between points in the United States (including Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands). Foreign air transportation is governed by applicable tariffs on file with the Department of Transportation." Thus, this document is not legally relevant.

My flight, however, was such a foreign flight, covered under the Warsaw Convention. My travel on AA was the first leg in my trip. There can only be one "destination" for each air travel passenger, for Warsaw Convention purposes, and intermediate stops on trips are to be construed as "agreed stopping places" that do not disturb that final destination. Warsaw Convention, Art. 1(2, 3), 49 U.S.C.A. § 40105 note. Under the Warsaw Convention, an air carrier is liable "for damage occasioned by delay in the transportation by air of passengers, baggage, or goods." Art. 19. See, e.g., Daniel v. Virgin Atl. Airways Ltd., 59 F. Supp. 2d 986 (N.D. Cal. 1998).

Therefore, I request reimbursement for the damages we incurred due to the delay, as I have documented in the letter you acknowledged receiving. I look forward to American's prompt payment.

Sincerely yours,


Fellow bloggers, if you find yourself in a similar situation, there's a nice howto link in the title of this entry.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

A Second email from AA

Dear Mr. G-man:

I received your most recent email and regret your continued disappointment. While I did not find any errors in my previous response, I regret that you found it unsatisfactory.

Mr. G-man, the delay of flight 655 was officially coded as a baggage delay which can apply for a variety of reasons including staffing, equipment difficulties, or holiday volume.

The link I provided clarifies that airline schedules are not guaranteed for any reason. It also explains that we will not be held liable for any expense resulting from our inability to operate as scheduled. Further, the exclusion applies whether the change is a system-wide preplanned change or an operational irregularity. The only legal requirements for compensation relate to Denied Boarding Compensation for oversold flights and canceled flights that result in our complete inability to provide transportation to the ticketed destination. In the latter case, a customer is entitled to a refund of the affected flight coupon in lieu of any alternative transportation. Both situations are regulated by the Department of Transportation. Any compensation offered by an airline for a flight delay or cancellation, when transportation is ultimately provided, is strictly intended as a gesture of goodwill. The voucher I mailed was intended as such. I hope you will reconsider your position, in time, and choose to apply the voucher for another ticket for yourself or a friend or relative.

This is an "outgoing only" email address. If you 'reply' to this message by simply selecting the reply button, we will not receive your additional comments. Please assist us in providing you with a timely response to any feedback you have for us by always sending us your email messages via at


Shelli R. Gipson
Customer Relations
American Airlines

Friday, April 15, 2005

It's A Small, Small World

Jawbitch loves to call me when she's driving between offices. She gets bored driving, and I like talking with her when I'm not busy, but sometimes she blabbers, and I get frustrated and can't nicely say I got to go. I stammer and shit, and then I feel bad becuz I don't mean to get mean and nasty and hurt her feelings. I got to work on that.

She called me yesterday, and as she's going on, I get another call, which bounces to voicemail. I'm telling her about one of IA's recent posts:

Jawbitch: When's the last time you spoke with [IA's name IRL]?
G-man: It's been a while. We mostly just email or blog.

After we hang up, I check the voicemail, and freak out, it's IA. Even more twilight zone, IA wants to know about A, who now, incidentally, has an indirect association with IA's firm.

G-man: It's truly a tangled web we weave, isn't it? All this virtual reality and shit.
IA: Yeah, so what can you tell me about this guy? He doesn't even have a PTO number.
G-man: A's a good guy. It's funny, I was just telling [Jawbitch's name IRL] that I hadn't spoken with you in quite a while.
IA: [Jawbitch's name IRL]? Who?
G-man: You know, my wife, [insert Jawbitch's real name here]? -- Jawbitch? I guess you only know her as Jawbitch now.
IA, pausing: Uuhh, yeah. So tell me about A ....

Thursday, April 14, 2005

How To Train Senior Associates

DA, a senior associate, and I have been slaving on a Markman brief for weeks. DA decides to give me a lesson from the brief:

DA: It's not See [Ex. 1, Col. 1, ll. 41-55] it's [See Ex. 1, Col. 1, ll. 41-55.]

G-man: Ok, I wasn't sure how you used your strange, non-bluebook citation format utilizing the square braces.

DA: Understood. Some formats that are in the blue book are:
1. See also (not See also)
2. See, e.g., (not See, e.g.,)
3. See id. (not See Id.)

G-man: 1. & 2. You are correct, all those signals should be u/l fully. My bad.
3. Nope. See is the signal. Id. is a short form citation. There must always be a whitespace between the signal and the cite. Your bad.

DA: Whatever. When did you graduate from law school, that you know that stupid rule from the 17th edition.

G-man: Lol, you hate being wrong, don't you? I laugh at myself whenever I'm wrong, and thus, I encourage you to point it out to me every time. Law Review 1999-2000; Research Editor 2000-2001.

DA: Oh, yeah. 1995-1996, editor and 1996-1997 Leads Article Editor. I didn't want you to think that I wrote on. I, of course, graded on.

G-man: We didn't have slacker wayz to get on like "grading on." Then again, if we did, I would have used it, considering I graduated magna cum laude.

DA: Slacker ways my ass. Do you know how many beers I had to drink to get through law school! And I turned down the position as Editor and Chief because it would have cut into my drinking time, which necessarily explains why I didn't graduate magna cum laude--only 13 in my class. Geek.

G-man: Perhaps, by your choice of style, I should say see magna cum laude, cf. cum laude. And if we're talking about drinking beers, don't forget that you're talking to a sailor who loves to drink. Maybe you should have gone to a bigger school.

DA: I'm a busy, busy person. That's what you're for.

G-man: You win.

DA: lol. So, is it your contention that you drank your way through law school? I mean, when were you a sailor, like probably, a million years ago. Because I drank so much in law school that for some of my mid-terms and finals, I couldn't look down to write because it made me nauseous. I did the same thing for the NY Bar, during which I also took Mass., and passed into 4 other states because my score was so high.

G-man: I think you know my story. My MBE score was so high that I didn't even have to answer any essays, but my essay for the July 2001 Bar was choosen as the model answer to the contracts question. Although I was not drinking at the time, I could not waive in to even the D.C. Bar, because of my barely passing grade on the MPRE.

DA: You win. ; )

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

How To Train Junior Associates

One of the senior IP associates, A, left our firm last week for greener pastures. In his wake, the most junior associate, MF, observed:

MF: Dear all, A left behind many folders containing various materials. A thinks they are all copies. Please feel free to come in my office (that sounds good 'my office') and claim any of the files. Otherwise, in the next 48 hours I will quickly scan through the folders and use my best judgment to either shred or archive some of these folders. From my initial quick scan through the material, I anticipate that most of it will be shredded.
G-man: Ahh, but the real question is, did he leave behind any good work?
MF: The only work he left behind, is the cleaning I am doing :)
G-man: I once knew an associate who would take files from other people's offices, even before they left, so he could get their work.
MF: That is sad.
G-man: No, that is self-preservation, baby!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


I had a recurrence of my illness from two weekends ago. Needless to say, I can't figure out whether it was the Burger-King pseudo onion rings, or the turkey meat tacos I had for dinner. Apparently, all the work-related stress is taking it's toll, so I broke down and went to the doctor's office. He said to take some Maalox and Acidphex, and then see him in a month. It sux getting old, it is the worst.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Let's see if this works

Thanks Beanie! Here's a copy of my notice to LIAT. Let's see if this gets me anywhere:

Please provide me with a mailing address so that I may send you a copy of this letter.
I booked LIAT ticket nos. 1401225626841, -842, 1401226081854 and -855 for travel from JFK to AXA via STT through my travel agent, USAA Eagle Points Program. My family and I traveled to Anguilla on March 12. Our American Airlines (AA) flight 655 was scheduled to leave by 8:05 a.m. EST, and to arrive by 11:44 a.m. AST. We didn't even come close to reaching our connecting flight to Anguilla.

Although my family and I boarded on time, AA admitted that they delayed our initial flight 2.5 hours because of insufficient baggage handlers. The pilot apologetically stated, “There is no excuse for this.” Even the supervisor I spoke with, Paul Patterson(?), admitted there was no weather delay. It took an additional hour to unload baggage in STT. AA has admitted that it is at fault for this problem.

At STT, AA would not help us. The desk clerk blamed the delay on weather, and to make arrangements with LIAT. We found that there were no other flights to Anguilla. The closest thing LIAT offered was a flight to St. Martin at 7:40 p.m. On return, the AA clerk said that the next American Eagle flight was tomorrow. When asked if she was going to put us up in STT, she called the assistant manager Jay. His believed the flight was “illegal” and that “we were on our own.” After many phone calls, AA's Mr. Paul Patterson (?) said the local airport supervisor makes the decision to book lodging. We were thus, truly, on our own.

Needless to say, we incurred several additional expenses (taxi, ferry, etc.) in order to reach our destination, setting foot on Anguilla at 11:30 p.m. I have never been treated so poorly while traveling, especially with two small children (ages 4 and 7).

I have asked American, but they have refused to compensate us for the additional expenses. I attach a copy of the documentation sent to American. Accordingly, since this ticket is covered under the Warsaw convention, I'm putting LIAT on notice of my request for reimbursement to LIAT by tendering copies of receipts for the $135 additional travel expenses we incurred from American’s delay. I deserve payment, but LIAT may seek indemnification from American through your interairline agreements.

Although I realize LIAT did not cause our delay, I ask that LIAT please pay promptly, i.e., within 30 days. Please do not send me vouchers, as I will not honor them. Anything less than payment negotiable for cash is not acceptable. Please understand that this payment is trivial compared to the confinement imposed on my family, loss of vacation time, stress, etc. I look forward to your understanding and prompt reimbursement.

Sincerely yours,


Sunday, April 10, 2005

High Stakes Poker

Friday night, Bluto invites me over to his house for a game of poker with five of his coworkers, all engineers, and my brother-in-law. Bluto's never run a game before, but he's stubborn:

Bluto: Game time will start at 7:30PM. I picked up Heineken, Coors Light, and some Lagers. Sodas I have Coke, Diet Coke, and Root Beer. I got some munching foods like pigs in a blanket, skins, mozz sticks, egg rolls, chips, and pretzels. If you want to drink or eat something else, you are SOL, or you can BIY.

The game is no limit Texas hold’em, normal rules will apply. We will be playing with “small & big Blinds” and they will double with every two player that are eliminated from the game. Blinds are used before the cards are dealt and apply two the two players to the left of the dealer. Small blind for the player to the dealers left and the big blind is the person to the left of the small blind. The small blind is half of the minimum bet and the big blind is the minimum bet. After the cards are dealt and looked at, the player to the big blind’s left starts the betting, they can Call, Raise, or Fold. To call, the player must place a bet that is equal to the last bet placed. (For the first player in the round, this would be equal to the minimum bet.) A player may choose to raise their call bet by an additional amount, which the other players will then have to call or re-raise. Then the flop comes and at that point you can check, raise, or fold. These are the basic rules that we will be playing by.

As we all agreed that there are no “cash outs”, if you have to leave for any reason as sad as it will be to see you go you leave with no money and your chips will be divided up with the rest of the players. The buy in is going to be $50.00 for that you will get $2647.00 in chips with the starting minimum bet at $10.00 which means starting “Blinds” are $5.00 and $10.00 dollars, when you run out of chips you are eliminated from the game.

Al: Uh.. If I may humbly suggest something... :-)

If we start with $2647 and have blinds of $5/10, AND don't double the blinds until two people are out, we may be at your house for a few days if we have some tight players at the table. If we have a lot of loose players... then the blinds probably won't even matter. LOL

My suggestion would be to set the blind increases on a timer (can also count the number of hands but that is a pain).

It's your game, your call...

I worked out the blinds that way because of the chip denominations. Since this is the first game we are having we can always change them as the game progresses. There are a few first time players so I want to make sure that we all get a good amount of play before it gets to serious and the action gets crazy, but mainly because of the way the chip denominations are. If the majority of people want to raise the blinds based on time then we will work it out on Friday.

G-man: I want to know why you just didn't give everyone an even number of chips, like $2500

Bluto: That was my plan but based on the number of chips and dividing them up so every one as an even amount that how it works out.

G-man: Ummm, 2647 is not an even number, it's odd. I guess you feel compelled to give out all the chips from your new set.

Little did Bluto's friends know that, like many former sailors, I've had many years experience playing stud poker at twenty thousand leagues under the sea. But I've only played this particular game once before for money, a mere two weeks ago at a firm-sponsored event. I placed third in a field of forty some odd attorneys, so I think that I'm pretty good.

I folded the first three hands, but on the fourth, I held a 5 and 7 of hearts suited, and since the blinds were small, I decided to ante big blind. The whole table joined in for a cheap flop. The flop showed a 6 of hearts, a king of clubs, and an eight of hearts. My brother bet $50, I raised to $200, and Bluto's friend, Nate, raised another $200. Nate apparently is a big-time player. Needless to say, everyone else tossed in their cards, but my brother and I called.

Wouldn't ya know it, on the turn a 4 of hearts appears! The odds of that happening pre-flop are something like 1000 to 1. Next, the same betting ensues, my brother bet $50, I raised to $200, and Bluto's friend, Nate, raised another $200. But this time, my brother calls, and I begin the mental torture -- I pause, then tell my brother that I'm not worried about him, because I know him, but I don't know Nate, or how he plays. Then I look Nate in the eye, and raise $1000. Surprisingly, he calls, right after my brother throws in his hand.

On the river, another king comes up, I bet $200, and Nate raises $200. So I announce that I'm all in. Pandemonium erupts in the room. Nate's coworkers start goading him. Bluto asks to count my chips. After a few moments, Nate calls, and someone is going home not 15 minutes into the game. Little did I know that Nate had a boat, but that didn't help him in this situation. Nate was gracious enough to deal for most of the night.

Little by little, each player was taken down until Al & I remained five hours later. Al probably had more chips than I did, but that didn't last long. An hour before, blinds were doubling up every 15 minutes. By this time, I had learned that Al is really smart, but he's too conservative. He let me steal one too many pots. Plus, I was on fire, pulling ace combos and pocket queen and kings that he couldn't beat, even when he tried to go up against them.

Bluto: Al, G-man's making you his prison wench. He's bitch slapping you around.
Al: He's too aggressive, and I don't have the cards.

After about six hands, Al had to go all in, and lost.

And so, that's how G-man won his first Texas hold'em tournament.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Some weekend fun

Jawbitch sent me the following email yesterday, which I must post for all so-called perverts (which I guess includes me, right THB?):

From: Jawbitch
Sent: Friday, April 08, 2005 8:52 AM
To G-man
Subject: orgasmic simulator

Click here: Orgasmic Simulator

Friday, April 08, 2005

Shippity Dip

I abhor retrieving voice messages. I have an answering machine at home, and voice mail at work. I pine for the days when, unlike my current cellular provider (Verizon), my former cellular provider (Cigular) would forward my cell to my office after a few rings. I have yet to train Jawbitch not to leave me messages on my cell phone.

Anyways, last Saturday night, during a moment of boredom, I decided to clean out my wife's numerous messages from my cell voice mail. Lo and behold, there was a message from my travel agent concerning my last debacle, which I've copiously posted here.

Agent: Mr. G-man, I've talked to Jason at the 800 number at American, and they admit that they are responsible for the delay. He said to just go to the ticket counter, and they will set you up with a hotel or the fees for your ferry or whatever. If you have any questions, you can reach me at 800-648-4037, extension 6158, and my name is Linda.

So I called the agent back, and found out that indeed, the ticket nos. 1401225626841, 842, 1401226081854 and 855 are for International travel, and that AA has a ticketing agreement with LIAT. So, thanks to Beanie, it does fall under the Warsaw convention, and AA can't skate on their Conditions of Carriage provision.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Full Employment

Let yet another chapter be written in the Patent Attorney's Full Employment Act:

For a copy of the PB&J sandwich patent, click here.

Peanut Butter And Jelly Case Reaches Federal Circuit

IP Law Bulletin (Thursday, April 07, 2005)--In one of the more surreal cases to reach the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit in recent years, a panel of three judges heard arguments Wednesday over a patent for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Lawyers argued before the federal appeals court about whether J.M. Smucker Co.'s method for making so-called “Uncrustables” -- sealed, crustless peanut butter and jelly pockets -- is worthy of patent protection.

In December 1999, Smucker obtained patent rights on a "sealed, crustless sandwich" it acquired from a pair of inventors in Fargo, North Dakota. But when Smucker tried to expand its patent rights with new applications before the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, the situation quickly got sticky. A patent examiner handling the case rejected the company's requests, citing a 1994 article from a Wichita, Kansas newspaper on back-to-school tips that offered the layering approach as a way for parents to keep peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from getting soggy. It is "obvious for one ... to apply peanut butter on the bottom slice of bread ... add jelly ... and apply another layer of peanut butter on top of the jelly,” the examiner concluded.

The USPTO’s appeals board upheld the decision, concluding that the “Uncrustables” process is no different from making ravioli or pie crust.The board said it based its opinion in part on international tart recipes from an undated pastry cookbook and the "Tartmaster," a device mentioned in the book that is used to cut and seal bread.

Smucker appealed the decision to the Federal Circuit, which heard oral arguments on Wednesday, shortly after lunching on conventional PB&J sandwiches. Key to the discussion at Wednesday’s hearing was whether the sandwiches were “smushed” or “compressed.” Robert Vickers, an attorney with Fay, Sharpe, Fagan, Minnich & McKee LLP who represents Smucker, told the judges that the sandwich's edge isn't made like the tarts or raviolis shown in a cookbook cited as prior art.

"So it's smushed!" Judge Raymond Clevenger III declared, according to a transcript in the Wall Street Journal."It is sealed by compression, but it is not smushed," Mr. Vickers explained, according to the newspaper.Vickers also said the sandwich is novel because the filling "encapsulates" jelly between two larger layers of peanut butter, the Wall Street Journal reported. Judge Arthur Gajarsa noted that his wife often squeezes together the sides of their child's peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to keep the filling from oozing out. "I'm afraid she might be infringing on your patent!" he said.

The frozen, disc-shaped sandwiches, marketed as lunch-box fare, have been one of Smucker's most-successful products. They generated sales of $27.5 million in 2004, according to Information Resources Inc., a Chicago company that tracks sales in supermarkets, not including Wal-Mart stores. A decision isn’t expected in several months.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

We all Want Good Times

Last Saturday night, I went with my family to a first birthday party for a friend's child. It was kind of weird, but the party was held at a catering hall, and was scheduled from 6:30 p.m. to 10:30 p.m. There was about 150 people there, complete with DJ, open bar, etc. As were sitting at table of ten, Bluto, who is about five years younger, two inches taller, and 200 pounds heavier than me, starts cracking up:

Bluto: Yo, see that girl sitting across from us in the yellow jacket?
G-man: You mean the one with the kid sitting on her lap, with the sort-of angelic looking face and hair in a pony tail?
Bluto, snickering: Yeah, she's Joe's wife. I can't look at her without busting up.
G-man: Why?
Bluto, after a long pause where he's fighting off laughter: Well, about ten years ago, back in the day when we would go bar hopping, Joe picks her up and takes her home. The next day, we asked him how things went. He says that she fucked the hell out of him.
G-man: Yeah, so why are you laughing?
Bluto, shaking the table he's laughing so hard: Well, Joe tells us that, on that night, she was the first girl to lick his asshole. Now, that's the only thing I can think of whenever I see her.
G-man: What, that she's a buttlicker, ...
Bluto, barely breathing: yeah. Boolja!
G-man: that she tossed his salad?
Bluto: Yeah. And later he told me that's why he married her.
G-man: And that was over ten years ago, but the only thing you can think about now?
Bluto, barely breathing: YEAH!
G-man: Well, maybe you should have held out for someone like that. Maybe that's what some people would call "true love." That kinda reminds me of that joke about an old married Jewish couple, Saul and Sadie, who love each other very much. Every year on their anniversary, Sadie asks Saul what he wants, and Saul tells Sadie that he loves her very much, and begs her to, you know, give him a blow job. Every year she professes her love for him, and says she'd do anything for him, but she won't do that. She turns him down, for like, forty years in a row. Their whole life goes on like this until finally, Saul is in the hospital, on his death bed. Sadie, distraught with grief, asks Saul if there is anything at all that she can do for him. He figures he's got nothing to lose, so he asks her one last time to suck his dick. Well, she finally gives in and does the deed, and then walks into the bathroom to spit and rinse. Next, the phone rings, and Saul yells, "HEY COCKSUCKER, CAN YOU GET THAT?"

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Tax Time

Saturday morning, I'm running around, doing chores with Max. I knew it would take a while, so before I left the house, I put a 1.5 liter bottle of diet coke in the CD holder of the van. At a frenetic pace, I managed to take Max to karate, and while he's there, wrap two packages and take a huge bundle of clothes to the dry cleaners, including one pair of pants that got the M7 treatment. M7's are trains on the LIRR that are perfectly configured with a seat armrest made of firm rubber, with nice rounded edges. Unfortunately, the trains are built by a Japanese company, and the seats are designed for smaller, Japanese people. Even an average sized man of European descent will sit in the chair, and the erect armrest will gently slip right into the guy's pocket, and either rip the pant seam, or the top corner of the pocket, whichever is weaker. Proof yet again that they're still beating the crap out of us by building shit from the wreckage of the bombs we blew them up with. We won the war, but they continue to win all the battles.
Anyways, then I picked Max up, mailed the packages, did the grocery shopping, returned home, put all the groceries away, and then headed out again to get my hair cut.

Radio announcer: ... but the Pope's kidneys are failing and his blood pressure is dropping from the septic shock of his past infection. Usually people who are lucid at this point feel a sense of relief and bounce back briefly.
Max: Daddy, what do the kidneys do?
G-man, quizzically: well, they filter the blood and make pee-pee. And your bladder holds the pee, like that plastic bag you're holding that stash of coupons you got from the market.
Max: Daddy, I'm thirsty. Can I have some of your soda?
G-man: No, four-year-olds shouldn't drink soda.
Max: Then get me a slurpee at the 7-eleven. Can you get the Pope one too? It sounds like he needs it. When we get home, can we wrestle?

After my haircut, I think I'm done. It's now 11:30, not bad for 2-1/2 hours of work. As I'm motoring back to the house, my cell rings. Naturally, as I'm fumbling with it, the guy in front of me stops short for a pair of male L.I. geese who are fighting for world domination in the middle of the street. Fortunately, I noticed, roughly applying the breaks, avoiding the accident and catching the call.

G-man: Hello?
Jawbitch: Hey, you gotta go to the accountant.
G-man: But, I've been running around all morning -- I thought the appointment was at 2 p.m.?
Jawbitch: No, it's at twelve. Just bring Max up to Gram's house and drop him off on the way. After GG's done with gymnastics, I'll drop her off at Gram's too. Then I'll meet you at the accountant, and after, we can pick the kids up and get ready for the party tonight.
G-man: What party? Hello? You're cell phone's cutting out! Hello? I'll call you at the house, I almost hit a duck.

Back at the house, I changed Max out of his karate gui, grabbed the manila folder labeled "Tax documents 2004," called Jawbitch back to rehash these crazy plans, and then left. Then I dropped the boy off and made it to the tax accountant by 12:10. Someone else had usurped our appointment, so I met with his associate for about a half-an-hour, who reviewed all my documents and noted that we would be receiving a huge refund this year. But there were some questions about Jawbitch's business that I couldn't answer. Just then, Jawbitch calls their office & wants to talk to me.

Jawbitch: I'm on Straight Path with GG. How's it going?
G-man: Fine, I'm just meeting with the associate right now.
Jawbitch: How come you sound so happy? We don't have to pay this year, right? Why do I have to come?
G-man: You know me all too well, but there are questions which only you can answer.
Jawbitch: Ok, I'll see you in a few minutes.