Monday, October 24, 2005

Well, I Must Let The Show Go On

Sunday, we went to the city with my brother-in-law Steppinbro, his wife Aunt K, two of their three kids, LittleDougie and Brandido, Jawbitch, LittleG, and Max to see a show. We all met for breakfast at the diner:

Max: Hey uncle steppinbro, have you ever seen me shoot a snot rocket?
LittleG: ewwwwww.
Steppinbro: No, but your Aunt K can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
Brandido: ha ha ha ha ha.
LittleDougie: ha ha.
LittleG: Cool, and if [jawbitch] could grow a beard, we could start a three ring circus.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Give me a Handout

The leafleteers in the city are quite aggressive. I never take their leaflets, but i try to read them if they hold them out steady enough. This morning, I recognized one leafleteer by his big ears, even without being adorned in his customary head garb and annualized sunglasses. He looked kinda thin, so I felt sorry for him and took his leaflet. It's the least I could do -- he used to work for the Afghan Kebob House.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Everyone Needs Insurance

Sometimes it sucks being a lawyer. It changes your whole perspective on everything. I used to like my insurance company. But now, I don't trust them whatsoever.

Monday, an insurance lady called, wanting to take a statement from me. I reverted to my deposition mode.

Lady: May I record our conversation?
G-man: Sure, if you agree to provide me with a written transcript.
Lady: Well, I'll have to get permission for that. You understand that my name is Ms. [Lady], I'm in San Antonio, Texas, and I'm recording this conversation?
G-man: Yes.
Lady: Can you please give your name?
G-man: G-man.
Lady: And your address?
G-man: [gives address]
Lady: Now, please explain what happened?
G-man: Did you get permission for the transcript?
Lady: Well, I can do that after.
G-man: No, I don't think so. I'll wait until you do.
Lady: Well, I'll just take your statement without the recorder.
G-man: Is the recorder off?
Lady: Yes.

G-man: Ok, it rained like shit all week. Saturday morning, I opened the door to my crawlspace and found 2-1/2 feet of water. That's it, the end.

Lady, after an extended pause: When did this happen?
G-man: Saturday, so you have prompt notice of my claim. Perhaps you'd like a letter from me?
Lady: No, and what damage did you have?
G-man: When I called Saturday, your representative told me an adjuster would be here Monday. As far as I'm concerned, that's his job to figure out.
Lady: How did the water get into the crawlspace?
G-man: Like I said, it rained hard, the tide was high, I live across the street from the canal. The yard filled up with water, and then it must have gone over the lip of my foundation, thereby filling the crawlspace -- kinda like a bathtub. Do you get it?
Lady: Yes, so was it flooding or from the rain?
G-man: I have both a homeowner's policy, and flood insurance. Which policy provider do you represent?
Lady: Well, I'm in the homeowners section. I'll have the flood people call you.
G-man: Listen, I'm making a claim. Between the two of you, you figure out the cause. If either of you deny coverage, the other one is going to get it, got it? You're not denying coverage, are you?
Lady: No. I have to call the flood people first.
G-man: Good, because the way I figure it, I bought both policies through your company, and if either of your people start pointing fingers at the other, there's going to be big problems. Ok?
Lady: Ok, sir, somebody will call you later.

Stay tuned, the saga continues ...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Every Word You Say

On my way back from Sears, I called my insurance company. I figured that since I had both a homeowner's policy AND a flood policy, I should be covered:

Rep: How can I help you?
G-man: Have you seen the news? It's been raining for the last week. 11 inches in three days. I have 2-1/2 feet of water in my crawlspace. I'd like to make a claim.
Rep: Are you on a cell phone in your car?
G-man: Yes.
Rep: Well, you'll have to call back, that's a liability, talking on the cell phone in the car.
G-man: You have to be fucking kidding me.
Rep: No sir, states have laws against operating a vehicle and a cell phone.
G-man: Before you start getting all righteous on me, do you have a camera in my vehicle?
Rep: No.
G-man: Then I'll have you know that in New York, the law permits such operation with a hands-free apparatus, so let's continue with my claim. What should I do?
Rep, after a brief pause: Ok, well, you have to remove the water from your basement.
G-man: That's why I called. Do you have people who'll come over and do that?
Rep: No, you can hire someone. Just look up dewatering services in the phone book. Save all the receipts.
G-man: And you'll pay for the service?
Rep: Well, I can't say that's covered, but you have to mitigate the damage, so you must remove the water.
G-man: Listen, either it's covered, or it isn't. If you can't tell me which, then the extra damage is on you, fella, because I got a policy, and you got an obligation. Are you denying that I have coverage?
Rep: No, no, not at all. I'm not denying that you have a policy, it's just ... I'm not qualified to handle flood claims.
G-man: Then why are you wasting my time? Put someone on the line that can do the job. Worthless [fuck].
Rep: We'll be sending an adjuster to your house Monday or Tuesday to survey. Did you notice any leaks from the ceiling?
G-man: No, I didn't look for any leaks from the ceiling. Besides, if an adjuster is coming, he can look for leaks from the ceiling. But I'll have you know, I have a homeowner's policy too, so don't play the figure out which exclusion applies game with me.
Rep: Is there anything else that I can help you with?
G-man: No, if you can't help me get rid of the water, then you can't help me.
Rep: Well, you have a nice day.

Monday, October 17, 2005

When the Levee Breaks

Saturday, I went down into my crawlspace to shut off the water to the sprinklers, before their annual decomissioning. As I turned on the light, I met 2-1/2 feet of water lapping at the floorboards. Apparently, the whole yard overflowed my foundation and just poured into the crawl from the eleven (11) plus inches of rain we got over the last three days before.

Desperately, I canvassed the whole island for a dewatering pump. After exhausting all Home Depots, Hardware Stores and my neighbors, I stopped in the South Shore Mall Sears:

G-man, reaching the top of the third floor escalator: Uhhhh, ...
Saleslady: NO PUMPS, NO VACS
G-man, saunters away, conserving speech.

My neighbor lent me his pump, but the shutoff switch didn't work, and the screws to the housing were stripped. 20 minutes later, I had it jumpered and running, but now I needed fittings to adapt 1-1/2" sch. 40 PVC to garden hose. Back at the second hardware store, my neighbor and I played name-that-tune, except with the PVC fitting in bins that looked like the locusts had already been there. He came up with a 5 piece contraption, with 3 glue and two threaded joints. I managed a three fitting and one pipe combo, comprising a 45 degree elbow substituted for a union, a 8 x 1/2" sprinkler extension, and a reducer, so I won.

Back at the house, we put it together, dropped it in, and managed about 3 gpm. My crawl is 40' x 100'. My crawl still has water in it today. You do the math.

Stay tuned for the flood insurance claim story.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

An open poker letter to Bluto

Dear Bluto,

I needed you last night. After losing all of my winnings over the course of the last three days, I entered a 2-table tournament, where you start with $1000, and they combine the tables like the multi when ten players are left. Payouts are for the top four players.

I've done alot of analysis of my play, and just decided that it needed some improvement, but also the bad luck couldn't continue forever. Well, three bad beats later, i was down to $300. Blinds were still low. I continued to play super-tight poker, and eventually turned it around to an average stack when the tables combined. I stayed tight and managed to become the chip-leader at the bubble. Then little-G showed up, complaining that she couldn't sleep. So I sat her down next to me and asked her advice on a couple of hands. Then my neighbor knocked on the door (at 11:30 p.m.), asking to borrow a few kilowatts of electricity because his power went out and he didn't want to lose the food in his deep-freeze. Figures I get all kinds of interruptions at this critical moment, but I took them all in stride.

I had checked post blinds and fold, because the four others were basically just taking turns stealing the blinds, and I hoped that a showdown would develop, leaving me out of the hand, but in the money. At that point, I had $6.5 K in chips, compared to the $2-3K the others had. When I returned, I had $5K.

This blind-stealing activity went on for a couple more orbits. I managed to steal a few myself, but I was scared because this is the point in the game where I usually screw up and then tilt, finishing out of the money. The blinds went up to $600/$300 and people got greedy. I led with pocket 7s, just a big blind bet. Short stack went all-in, there was one other caller, and the blinds folded, so I raised. The other caller folded, short stack revealed an A Q, and failed to pair to the river, putting me at the $10K mark. The rest of the game went quickly -- i got great cards, anted, blind stealers tried, and i took them all down, one-at-a-time each hand. The last guy took about ten more minutes, because I limited him to $2-3K, then waited until I had a better than 50% challenge hand before calling or putting him all-in. He won the first three all-ins, but afterwards each time I just whittled him down with the blinds until he was in the same range. Wash, rinse, repeat. All the while, blinds kept going up, eventually eating him up. I finally killed him on the last all-in, and earned an $80 pot. The drought has stopped.

But that's not why I needed you. Afterwards, I thanked G for her sage advice, put her to sleep, then went to a $100K play money table, where this trash-talking, lotto whore bitch sat down and started bullying everyone. We exchanged words. She chat slammed me, but I beat her, earning up to $187K from my paltry $5K stake. Then the trash talking took its toll, and she suckered me into playing her game. Some other bastard took her side and chimed in on me. She claimed to have $140M in chips, and kept rebuying. After someone else beat me on her all-in hand that I called, she took the rest of mine on the next all-in hand. Then she lost it all on the next hand and left the table. Her handle is debbievp.

I'd like to employ the services of lvlottopoker and icetee to get her. R u in?



Thursday, October 06, 2005


Last night, Jawbitch came in to the city and went to a black tie benefit dinner with me for the Wildlife Conservation Fund at the Central Park Zoo. I had no idea Central Park even had a zoo. The penguin exhibit was really good. I enjoyed watching those guys zip through the water. I think they were attracted by my tux, as they came right up to the windows.

At the dinner, one of the speakers stated that they really reduced the cost to conserve wildlife, now down to five dollars per acre. That must be the going rate just to keep humans out. Meanwhile, the really exotic animals the zookeepers paraded around rested comfortably in their keeper's arms, were no longer wild.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Real Money Poker

Last night, I decided it was time to make my first deposit and start playing some real money poker. I've always been skeptical that online poker would be a fair game, and still would not wager any amount of real money of consequence. Plus I'm really scared that Jawbitch is gonna beat my ass, unless of course, I win and share some with her.

I found these "Beginner's Tables" on Party Poker. It's a real game, but with small limits, that you're allowed to play on for the first forty-five days after making a deposit. So, I ante ten dollars of my massive two hundred dollar bankroll, and sit down in a fifty-cent/dollar limit game. After ten minutes, I'm up ten dollars. Then Jawbitch and then kids walked in, so I left.
After I put them to bed, I decide to try one of the eleven dollar tournaments. I've played tons of them for play money, and this was precisely the same, except nobody goes all-in first hand. I ended up being the chipleader most of the game, the I suffered several bad beats and ended up going out on the bubble, that's forth place (third, second and first get paid).

After wasting my time and money, I went back to the limit tables, anted ten more, and started playing fearlessly. I was raking pots I didn't deserve, then catching cards when I got called. I tightened up my play, and finished up about sixty bucks. Not bad for my first evening in real money. During the course of that play, something really incredible happened, which I'll share with you, despite rules warning against it:

----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, October 04, 2005 11:49 PM
Subject: Hand History from

Hello G_man123,

These hand histories are provided to you solely for your personal use and as an aid for your training and development. You are not permitted to share them with anyone. We reserve the right to cease providing them or apply further restrictions at any time.

You have recently requested your transcript of the game number 2827188520.

***** Hand History for Game 2827188520 *****
0.50/1 Texas Hold'em Game Table (Limit) - Tue Oct 04 23:45:58 EDT 2005
Table Beginners 1041215 (Real Money) -- Seat 8 is the button
Total number of players : 7
Seat 1: alexj88 ( $9.52)
Seat 3: double_L_22 ( $21)
Seat 4: wizz444 ( $23.25)
Seat 6: victor844 ( $40.25)
Seat 7: high4444roll ( $8)
Seat 8: heathendave ( $50.13)
Seat 9: G_man123 ( $36.37)
G_man123 posts small blind (0.25)
alexj88 posts big blind (0.50)

** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to G_man123 [ Qs, Ac ]
G_man123: lol
heathendave: shoulda called
double_L_22 calls (0.50)
wizz444 folds.
victor844 folds.
heathendave calls (0.50)
G_man123 calls (0.25)
alexj88 checks.
wizz444: i did

** Dealing Flop ** : [ Qc, 9h, Tc ]
G_man123 bets (0.50)
alexj88 calls (0.50)
wizz444: you r a fluch
double_L_22 calls (0.50)
heathendave folds.

** Dealing Turn ** : [ Kc ]
G_man123 bets (1)
heathendave: oh
alexj88 calls (1)
double_L_22 raises (2) to 2
G_man123 raises (2) to 3
heathendave: sry dude
alexj88 folds.
double_L_22 raises (2) to 4
G_man123 calls (1)

** Dealing River ** : [ Jc ]
G_man123: omfg
wizz444: hmmmm
G_man123 bets (1)
double_L_22 calls (1)

** Summary **
Main Pot: $13.75 Rake: $0.75
Board: [ Qc 9h Tc Kc Jc ]

alexj88 balance $7.52, lost $2 (folded)

double_L_22 balance $15, lost $6 [ 7s Js ] [ a straight, nine to king -- Kc,Qc,Js,Tc,9h ]

wizz444 balance $23.25, didn't bet (folded)

victor844 balance $40.25, didn't bet (folded)

high4444roll balance $8, sits out

heathendave balance $49.63, lost $0.50 (folded)

G_man123 balance $44.12, bet $6, collected $13.75, net +$7.75 [ Qs Ac ]
[ Royal Flush -- Ac,Kc,Qc,Jc,Tc ]

Monday, October 03, 2005

Tattoo Who

Ok, I'm back. I know, I’ve been anti-Internet-social. I just needed to take a month off. What's been happening? Not too much, settled one case, but the other one's a real pain in the ass, because opposing counsel is an ass. Can't really say more -- don't want to compromise the confidentiality, but this is really a strange copyright case, which I would love to talk with you about it in person, after it's over.

G-man: Let's take the kids to the diner for breakfast.
Jawbitch: Yeah, then after, I want to stop by the front door with a pocket full of quarters and get those temporary tattoos out of the machines.
G-man: Why do you want to do that?
Jawbitch: Because I really like that tattooed guy on the show "Prison Break." He's so good looking, has such a seductive voice, and I just really like him.
G-man: ???
Jawbitch: So I wanna make Max look like him.