Tuesday, December 28, 2004

A New Year's Coming

As the new year approaches, many like to reflect on the past and look forward to the future. As with resolutions, seems like everybody wants to do good, but sometimes things just turn out bad. Things have been particularly bad for me the last couple of years:

2000 – Y2K
2001 – The year of changes: new child, new house, new career, new job, the bar, 9/11, new world.
2002 – deep depression sets in. My wife seems like she can’t stand me.
2003 – my father passes away. My firm folds. My friends scatter into the wind. No bonus.
2004 – New job. Interviews. New job. Interviews. No bonus.

But strangely, things seem to be getting better, mentally, financially, and emotionally. Relationships are improving. I get the sense of coming to terms and laying the groundwork for some kind of future. Things are happening, and they look good. What are your plans?

Friday, December 24, 2004

Christmas Eve - A day off

Finally! Too bad I live in a neighborhood that must be at least 99% Christian. I spent most of the morning parking-lot jousting. I serpentined my way for fifteen minutes before I found an open spot, just so I could find the store shelves empty of egg nog. So I came home, fired off a fuck you letter to the LIRR to document their poor performance:

Train problems Nov. 2004:
11/3 7:10 to 8:20 babylon to penn - stalled at 7:40, arrived 08:35.
11/4 8:03 to 9:11 babylon to penn - arrived 9:17.
11/8 20:30 to --:-- penn to long beach - late leaving 20:35, head 2 cars doors wouldn't open.
11/12 7:10 to 8:20 babylon to penn - left at 7:13 short (8 cars), arrived 8:28, no conductor until belmore.
11/22 7:10 to 8:20 babylon to penn - stuck awaiting service at Jamaica, arrived 8:30.
11/23 7:10 to 8:20 babylon to penn - left at 7:13 short (10 cars), stuck awaiting service at Jamaica, arrived 8:30.
11/23 19:30 to 20:32 penn to babylon - changed from express to local, arrived 20:45.
11/24 18:27 to 19:22 penn to babylon - alleged 15-20 min delays from Amtrack, couldn't get door light for 10 min., left penn @ 18:55, arrived 19:45.

Say, anyone interested in getting together and filing a class action suit against the gov't for a ticket refund? I just might do it, but I don't do state practice, and I know there's that Article 67 shit that has to be done in less than 30 days of a cause of action arising or something. I just want to make a case and hurt them, the bastards. They're robbing me of the most valuable thing I have left in life, my time.

Hope you all have a MERRY CHRISTMAS, and otherwise a happy holiday. Peace out.
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Did ya ever notice

I'm sorry. I haven't been too good to you lately, blog. I think I must retract to a weekly schedule, because I'm too busy.

Did you ever notice that, when it comes time for the holidays, just before the last day, everyone wakes up and says, "Shit, I need to get this done!"? The next thing ya know, you're sitting beneath an avalanche of client requests, partner projects, and other assorted shit that gets in the way of your personal life (yeah, like I really even have a personal life at this point).

As I finally make it home, I find my daughter GG waiting up for me.

GG: Daddy, tell me a story about when you had Christmas.
Wife, with the look in her eye that says "... mutherfucker! I gotta wrap gifts, so you gotta get this kid to sleep, leaving the room: Hurry up.
G-man: One year, my father (r.i.p. 8/5/2003) brought home a Christmas tree that had a big root bulb on it.
GG: Root bulb, what's that?
G-man: It's this big burlap sack that they stuff the tree's roots into. Anyway, he had this metal tub that he put the tree into, and we had to keep pouring water into as the tree drank.
GG: Then what happened?
G-man: After the new year, we waited for a thaw, then dug a big hole out in the yard and planted it. Every year thereafter, I hung lights on it outside.
GG: Did it grow?
G-man: Yes, it was about 14 feet tall when I was 13, when we moved.
GG: Maybe its so big now that they could use it at Rockefeller Center!
G-man: I miss that tree. I'd like to see it again sometime.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

It's in the Trash

My job requires that I bill an ungodly amount of hours doing work each year. So, between the wonderful, timely service on the LIRR and the job, I'm never home. I get up before the kids wake up, and I kiss their heads in their beds at night. Sometimes, I'm lucky enough to catch the news with mommy before she hits the rack.

Anyways, I get home and find this email from a college friend:

Friend: Yo dudes - We have famous peeps in our midst - check out the latest Rochester Review on page 7 bottom inside.
Next emailer friend: What a handsome crew!
J.O.: I'm not sure I'd go that far! I'm surprised there aren't any jello-shooters in the picture, though!
Me, rummaging through stacks of Xmas catalogs: Yet again, my family threw it in the trash. Now if they sold gifts in that magazine, it would be on top of my microwave.

Thursday, December 16, 2004


For some strange reason, starting this year, the powers that be in my firm decided to expand their so-called "tradition" (formerly reserved for the most part for first-year associates), of requiring new attorneys to sing at the holiday party. Since singing is a talent that I totally lack, I decided to sing a duet with one of the female attorneys in the same predicament. My wife was not pleased, and to make matters worse, we were required to sing "Endless love."

In a heated email exchange, I perceived this trilemma:

1. Comply with the rule, and be embarassed;
2. Break the rule, and thus the core values; or
3. Get the rule changed so that it doesn't apply to you, and perhaps fail to do so, collapsing the trilemma into a dilemma

Take your pick, but I think all efforts should be applied to #3.

Ultimately, I agreed to abide by whatever expression of their rule determined by the powers that be, no matter how unjust, non-uniform, or non-compliant with the principles of estoppel, waiver, laches, etc.

Ugh. It appeared that I was merely adding another chapter in my voluminous and growing book of embarassing moments. That's when I got the idea that I should sing Diana's part, and she should sing Lionel's. Armed with my dictaphone with a really cheesy micro tape recording and donning headphones so that no one else could hear the music, we sang. I have no idea how terrible it was, but needless to say, they wouldn't let us finish the song.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Radio City

Took the kids on a NYC adventure today. First we went to Ellen's Stardust Diner. Gg ate a hotdog while the waitress sang "All I want for Christmas." I told my wife that she was better than Mariah, because Mariah would never bring me food. Mac found all the gum under the table. Then we went to Toys 'R' Us. Mac whined big time because we didn't have enough time to get on the indoor Non-Ferris Processed Organic Matter Wheel. The protesters against child labor in China outside the store were better entertainment value. My wife got her picture taken with Spiderman because Gg wouldn't do it. Somebody email me how to FTP to this site and I'll post it. Then we saw the tree. Looks much sparser in real life than on TV. Finally, we made it to the title show. Gg was mesmerized, but Mac crawled under the seats five minutes into the show. Good thing I bought him a $80 ticket.

Mac was right. Next time, I'll skip Radio City and stay in Toys 'R' Us.

The List

Kids rule their parents. Anyone who argues otherwise is delusional. Take this example: I'm getting my 3 y.o. son ready for his karate class. He needed to put on his belt, but he refused to do so. Quickly running out of time, I realized that I would lose this test of wills either way. By arguing with him, he stalls, he wins. By letting him go without the belt, he wins. After a heated discussion concerning his bad behavior, my wife stormed out of the house. Ultimately, under penalty of severe timeout punishment, he allowed me to put it on and we leave. While he is in class, I discuss in the car deficiencies of my daughter Gg's behavior with her. I write her a list of things that I want her to do:

1. Make your bed when you get up in the morning.
2. Get in bed when asked to.
3. Pick up the dirty clothes and put them in the hamper/ clean clothes away.
4. Put toys away before taking a new one out to play with.
5. Don't fight with your brother.

The discussion continues:

G-man: I want you to do everything on this list, ok?
Gg: Yes daddy.
G-man: Can you do them every day for the rest of the year?
Gg: No.
G-man: Why not?
Gg: I don't want to tell you.
G-man: How about today?
Gg: I can't.
G-man: Well, how about #1?
Gg: yes, I can do that.
G-man: How about #2?
Gg: no problem, daddy.
G-man: #3?
Gg: ok, daddy.
G-man: #4?
Gg: yes, daddy.
G-man: How about #5?
Gg: I can't do that.
G-man: Why not?
Gg: Because he starts it.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Pending Questions

Ok, so, now that we've established what true love really is, let's find out how we do on the religious solicitation issue. I'll post the results, probably late tomorrow. C u then....

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The trip home

So, I just finished preparing for a huge expert deposition. It's just like getting ready for a final exam. I decide to invoke my tried and true method of blowing off the night before, so I rush home early (I'm fucking kidding myself, it's 8:40 p.m. and I'm on the train writing this shit). On the way, I'm accosted:

Yarmuke boy: Are you Jewish?
G-man, wondering where to draw the line: Aren't we all Jewish?
Yarmuke boy: well, I want to ...
G-man, cutting him off quickly: Gotta catch a train, have a great holiday!

So, not that I'm prejudice or anything, but the thought of someone trying to foist an entire belief system on a commuter strikes me as hilarious! As it is likely I will see these characters the rest of the week, do you have any questions for me to ask them? I will post their replies...

Then, I get home, and flip on Larry King. He's got John Daley on, with a joke about someone in their sixties getting called back to Iraq, making their second tour in 'nam a reality.

wife: you're not getting called back, are u?
G-man: I hope not.
wife: u got to volunteer for that
G-man: I did.
wife, on a rant: They don't need ex-Navy guys there. I'll cut your fucking left leg off, right below the knee. You can still practice law.

Internetional Geographic

My daughter, gg, awakened by a nightmare, decides to join me for breakfast @ 6 a.m.

G-man, pouring stale frosted flakes: last night, i explored the great pyramids in Giza.
Gg: where's that?
G-man, pouring milk: it's in Egypt. There are many pyramids there. In particular, i visited Cheops <http://www.cheops.org/>. It has several secret passageways that lead to chambers where the petrified remains of the Phaero and his things were found.
Gg, frowning from taste: u mean, like national treasure?
G-man, staining shirt: yeah, and there were these two tiny passageways, about 8cm square, that lead away from the chamber in north-south directions, but no one knows where they go to. It's a big mystery. The guy that discovered them in the 1800's tried to fish a rod up the p-way, but gave up. What was your nightmare about?
Gg: i don't want to talk about it.
G-man, spooning furiously: u know, talking about your fears can help you overcome them.
Gg: there was this man who shoved me into a car, and there was shooting, and then he was shooting into the seat. Then he gave me a pair of scissors, but i told him i didn't want them, but he said i have to take them or he'd cut my arm off.
G-man, tilting bowl @ own oral fissure: sounds like a bad man. Who were u with?
Gg: grandma. That's why u might have heard me shouting "GRANDMA!"

So, after much thought i can't figure out what gg's dream means, but conclude that upuaut2 found the sealing stone to the south lower airshaft, at what was once the outside end of the shaft. The purpose of the shaft is ventilation. I believe the Phaero took the top off of an original, smaller pyramid, refurbished the lower chamber, sealing the lower end of the lower shafts, and built the shell of the existing pyramid over top of it. The wooden stick and hook found in the north lower shaft came from an ancient, but unsuccessful tombrobber, whose abandoned tools were left b4 the new pyramid was built on top of the old one. There's probably not another chamber behind the sealing stone. May i have your thoughts?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Guilty as Charged

wife: what time did you come back to bed?
G-man: 5 a.m. -- another night of insomnia.
wife: what were you doing?
G-man: watching TV. What were you doing?
wife: I've been throwing up ever since you went downstairs.
G-man: No, that's what woke me up in the first place.

Friday, December 03, 2004

Technological Advancements

Verizon sux. After hooking up on wife's plan, i learned that my cell won't send email messages, just text, as I wished to memorialize a conversation I had earlier in the week:

me: in '78, i wrote comp. prog. 4 HP2000F called CHAT 2 xchg msgs, mostly user logins & stuff.

Bourne: so u invented instant messaging? Why didn't u get a patent on it?

me: no, SCOM wuz b4 CHAT (thinking, hmmm, i wonder if T9 can get this right:



So no blogging on the train, except through my Palm V and l8r hotsync, that is, until I complete my text messaging to email gateway...provided no one else has done that yet.

Going to Google -- any suggestions around this problem?

At least she's not alone

I come home to find my wife surfing the net, laughing and crying at the same time.
Wife: Not only did your 7 y.o. girl cut her eyebrow, she also cut her eyelashes. The story is the same as this one http://www.madsci.org/~lynn/juju/vek/eyelashes.html
Me: But it was only one eye. Why did you do it?
Girl: I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. I was just getting over it.
Me: Will they grow back?
Wife: I can't figure out the answer. I don't know what to Google.

Thursday, December 02, 2004


Here's to you, buddy. I am so jealous you escaped from N.Y.C. b4 I did.