Thursday, June 30, 2005

You See Me Cryin?

Jawbitch has three mothers: her birth mother, and her two aunts, #2 Aunt Nanny and #3 Aunt Jo. I adopted Steppin Bro's nickname for them: the dustwitches. Like I told you before, her mom, dustwitch senior, had to put the dog down.

A couple of years ago, dustwitch senior moved in with Aunt Nanny. Shortly thereafter, the dog developed pancreatitis. Apparently, dustwitch senior wasn't aware that she couldn't feed the dog Taco Bell every night. The dog started losing weight, whereupon the vet identified that the dog's pancreas no longer produced an enzyme necessary for digestion. So she had to spend $150/mo getting enzymes, to mix in her food, for the rest of the dog's life. It was pretty nasty watching her mix that smelly shit into dog food.

A couple of weeks ago, the dog lost all hearing, and developed tumors all over her body. Then the dog went blind this past weekend. As difficult as it was, at least she did the humane thing. Not like her sister #2.

Aunt Nanny had a 20+ y.o. cat named Soggy. Last year, it was Soggy's time to go. The cat just layed next to it's bowl of water, howling in pain. No matter how much we begged her to take it to the vet, she wouldn't do it. Aunt Nanny let the cat suffer for two weeks before it finally expired. GG painted a shoe box for a coffin. Maybe G has a career in a pet mortuary.

Anyways, Aunt Nanny tried to convince dustwitch senior to let the dog live. "You never know, the dog could get better." Ever the optimist. Steppin Bro finally put his foot down and took the dog to the vet.

I feel bad for dustwitch senior, and about the whole situation, plus some anger at Aunt Nanny for making a difficult situation even more difficult, even though in her own mind I'm sure she's oblivious to the dog's suffering, and also sorry for dustwitch senior. Maybe dustwitch senior can get a new, low maintenance replacement pet or something.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Large Female Anatomy Poolside at Aunt Nanny's

Last Saturday, we visited Aunt Nanny's house. Aunt Nanny is Bluto's mom. She's very tall, and used to be a model, but a couple of year ago after the change, she let herself go and gained a huge amount of weight. She probably weighs well over 220#. Steppin Bro's kids were over there, and Jawbitch hadn't returned from her last trip to Philadelphia, so I brought the kids. Bluto and Olive came by.

As we were sitting around the pool, Bluto reminsced about a pool party we had last year. One of Jawbitch's study club dentist girlfriends and her husband from the city came. Her girlfriend is a really attractive, blonde woman of czech descent. She looks like Zsa-zsa Gabor, but voluptuous. He's a tall, hansome dude with a pony tail from Pennsylvania. He used to be a bouncer out on the east end, but now is studying to become an architect. They have this phat, 46th floor apartment overlooking the East River.

Bluto: When is Jawbitch's really hot friend coming over your house for a swim?
G-man: I dunno. We'll probably have a pool party near the end of the summer. I'll ask Jawbitch to invite her & let you know if she's coming.
Bluto: Boy, her husband really hit the jackpot when he hooked up with her.
Steppin Bro: Yeah, you ain't lyin'. Before that, he was sucking balls and shooting heroin.
Bluto: Yeah, when he found her, he was probably like, "Yatchzee!"

Just then, Aunt Nanny walks out in her bathing suit, with her shorts pulled up high over the top of her large tummy.

Steppin Bro: Hey Aunt Nanny, why don't you just pull your shorts up over your tits, huh?

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Sixty Nine

I partially won a motion to dismiss yesterday.

In the evening, I came in second in a poker tournament ($40 buy in, 1-2 rebuys, i did not rebuy, won $120).

My mother-in-law dustwitch's dog died.

Despite all the bad things, overall it was a good day.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Too Hard To Handle

At least with my win, I judged the odds and went all-in pre-flop. It's even worse when someone who should not be all-in, does so after the flop. I've had a few straight flushes in my life, but the below log shows the closest I ever came to a royal flush so far.

***** Hand History for Game 51780676418 *****
NL Hold'em 10 Buy-in + 1 Entry Fee Trny:14274587 Level:1 Blinds(10/15)
Table Play money 4005351
Seat 8 is the button
Total number of players : 6
Seat 8: brooklyngal ( $2000 )
Seat 9: Wheels2305 ( $1730 )
Seat 1: G_man123 ( $885 )
Seat 6: KS4ever ( $1985 )
Seat 4: paul256 ( $910 )
Seat 2: leaoleonardo ( $490 )
Trny:14274587 Level:1
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to G_man123 [ 9s As ]
[G-man figures, this might flop good]
leaoleonardo folds.
paul256 calls [15].
KS4ever calls [15].
brooklyngal calls [15].
Wheels2305 calls [5].
G_man123 raises [15].
[just to get the pot up some]
paul256 calls [15].
KS4ever calls [15].
brooklyngal calls [15].
Wheels2305 calls [15].
** Dealing Flop ** [ Ks, Js, Qs ]
[whoo hooo! I got the boss flush on the flop! And a possible royal flush. Let's see who I can sucker in]
Wheels2305 checks.
G_man123 checks.
paul256 bets [15].
KS4ever calls [15].
brooklyngal raises [1800].
Wheels2305 folds.
G_man123 is all-In [855]
[There's one sucker]
paul256 is all-In [865]
[There's another sucker]
KS4ever folds.
** Dealing Turn ** [ 4d ]
** Dealing River ** [ 4h ]
brooklyngal shows [ Ah, Tc ] a straight, ten to ace.
G_man123 shows [ 9s, As ] a flush, ace high.
paul256 shows [ Jc, Jh ] a full house, Jacks full of fours.
brooklyngal wins 920 chips from side pot #2 with a straight, ten to ace.
paul256 wins 50 chips from side pot #1 with a full house, Jacks full of fours.
paul256 wins 2730 chips from the main pot with a full house, Jacks full of fours.
G_man123 finished in sixth place.
G_man123 has left the table.
[All in on trip J's? These guys just don't know when to fold]

Friday, June 24, 2005

The River

Isn't it great when you catch a card on the river, especially in a no limit game?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Three Dog Night

Shortly before Jawbitch's grandparents passed away, her dad decided that they should sell their house and enter an old-folks home. You're probably wondering what the hell that has to do with the title of this post. Well, let me tell you.

Jawbitch and I just bought a new house in East Northport at the time, and her dad invited us out to her grandparent's house to pick up a few things he thought we might need for our house. So I rented a U-haul truck and drove to her grandparents' house, all the way out to west bumfuck pensyltucky. Besides the rental, it cost me a small fortune in tolls.

When we got there, I found an abnormally large accumulation of junk. More than should be present after several decades of hoarding. I pick up a few tools, a shovel, a post-hole digger, a wheelbarrow and some rakes. But among the junk, there was really not enough good, large things to warrant the truck rental.

But, in the basement, I found a large chest freezer. I figured this would be a great addition. We could put it in our new garage, so I opened it to inspect the contents. It was packed full of boxes of dog biscuits. I recalled that their dog died literally in the last century, so I discarded the boxes and got her dad to help me lug the deep freezer into the truck.

After the long drive back, and another largess in tolls, I unloaded my newest cherished possessions into the garage, and then returned the truck. By this time, it was very late at night, so I plugged in the freezer and went to bed.

The next morning, I woke up and wrote a list of items that I planned on purchasing at the local Sam's club to put inside the freezer. Then I checked on the deep freeze and figured out why they kept the dog biscuits in it. Coincidentally, the next day was applicance pickup day, so i unscrewed the lid and left it at the curb for the garbage men to pick up. Then I had a beer to calm down.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Oh Atlanta

Last week I went back to Atlanta for a deposition. The hotel I stayed at, the Intercontinental, has these door bells outside of each room, which are really loud. The visitors kept me up periodically all night -- they we're probably dealing drugs in the room down the hall from me.

The next morning, I get an email from the partner:

DS: Do you have a copy of that requirements doc?
G-man: Yes, I think so. I can probably print it out downstairs in the business center. Call me and let me know -- room 410, the room right next to the crack den.

Then, I went down to the front desk and checked out:

Desk Clerk: So, did you enjoy your stay with us?
G-man: No, I didn't sleep very well. The folks in the room next door were ringing the bell all night.
Desk Clerk, laughing hysterically: Are you making a metaphor?
G-man: No, it was a literal statement. The metaphor occurred this morning after their guests left.
Desk Clerk, appearing shocked: Oh, I'm really sorry.
P.S. Who sang the title?

Monday, June 20, 2005

Father's Day

Jawbitch got 8 y.o. GG a physics book when they visited a museum recently. Since Jawbitch was away in Cali this weekend, the kids made me breakfast, consisting of raisin toast, orange juice, and a peach. Then we went to our around-the-corner diner for breakfast, and I let G bring her book. Coincidentally, we hooked up with Steppin Bro, his wife Aunt K, and their kids (Max and GG's cousins).

Steppin Bro: What's that book for?
GG: I'm doing some extra homework.
Aunt K: Really? Let me see that? I never took physics, ever. Do you know what you're reading?
G-man: I don't think so, but she's taking notes in her diary.
GG, pointing to where she copied the gravitational constant: Look, that's a number.
Steppin Bro: What's the force?
GG: Um, that's acc -- acceleration and the amount of something, mass.
Steppin Bro: Her mind's too full. She needs to be put away in a padded room and deprived for a couple of weeks.
GG: Hey guys, look at my bracelet. It would make a good eyebrow piercing.
Steppin Bro frowns.
Aunt K:
If she is learning physics now, it's all good.
Steppin Bro: There will be none of that in this family until they turn 18. The first one that get's a tattoo, I'm coming over with the belt sander and taking it off myself. And with the physics, is good for what? Good for when she's swinging around a pole at Scores?

Friday, June 17, 2005

G-man's Vegas Hold'em Tournament

While Jawbitch was in conferences, I spent most of my Vegas time playing Texas Hold'em. Yes, I've ditched twenty years of blackjack experience for this new game, primarily for three reasons. First, it is so damn addictive, and way more social. Plus, the house merely acts as a passive observer, and is funded by the hands rather than the action. Finally, unlike playing third base, nobody gets pissed at you for taking cards.

The tournament had a line for sign-up by 10 a.m. There was a $60 buy in for the standard $8000 in tournament chips. Plus, for an extra $5, you can get $400 more tournament chips. There was only a couple of silly people who didn't exercise this option. I bullshat with Dustin, a 2L from Florida State, while waiting in the line.

Finally after the casino got their collective asses together, I sat down to play. On the first hand I drew big slick, limped in, and then busted a straight to the ace on the flop. I remembered what Bluto taught me about tournament play -- that you should never go all-in until after a few people got knocked out, because it is so hard to win, even if you start with a good hand. But I had to go all-in on the turn, and ended up drawing first blood against a guy across the table. Later, as the blinds went up and my pile started to dwindle, I picked up a pair of pocket kings. The guy in front of me though, bet heavily ($300), so I wondered if he had the bullets, or at least one ace. A total of five players stayed in. On the flop, a king and two aces appeared. He continued to bet heavily, so I called him. On the turn, he bet even more, I got really scared, and folded. Turns out he had a K-9 suited, and I was just being a puss. My mistake was that I should have raised him on the flop, just to test whether he really had an ace or not. That was a valuable lesson, one which I'll never forget.

I had no other cards until just before the break, when I drew another big slick. Another guy with a small stake in front bet big, I raised, and the chip leader across the table called. Then, before the flop, small guy went all-in. I was down below the $800 mark, and decided to make a move, so I went over the top of little guy, all-in too. I figured I'd at least pull in the side pot. Chip leader called. Little guy turned over pocket 8s, and chip leader had shit suited clubs. Things were looking great. I flopped another ace (of clubs), but then the turn and river were both puppy toes, so G-man was out at the end of the first round.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Pix from Vegas

Here are some pix from our Vegas trip.
At Bellagio, they had this magnificent fountain display.

I took this pic of Jawbitch and Suzi on the bridge.

Loads of really high-end, expensive stores. They had these combo cigarette trays/trash cans all over the place.

I couldn't help myself.

Bellagio had this kool blown glass ceiling.

Jawbitch hanging with some French dude at the closing ceremonies, after I crashed. I have no idea what happened afterwards ....

Jawbitch and Suzi with Donna Summer.

In Vegas, money means nothing. The streets are lined with pennies that nobody bothers to pick up.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

What Happens in Vegas Part II ...

On Thursday, we got up at 8:30 a.m., talked to Dustwitch #1 on the phone, and consumed a large in-the-room breakfast. Then I headed down to play in a hold'em tournament. I'll tell you about that tournament later.

After the tournament, I went to the comp table and found that with an additional 50 cents, I could almost buy a corned beef sandwich, so I did. I played more poker until 4 p.m., and then I just couldn't play any more. Then I hooked up with Jawbitch and her Cali friend Suzi. We took the monorail over to Bellagio because it wasn't there the last time Jawbitch and I were in Vegas 18 years ago, when we eloped. I'll show you the pictures in another post.

Finally, after the oggling was over, we took a cab back to the Grand, to get ready for the closing ceremonies. They had chemically activated "Hot Stuff" buttons. Jawbitch turned rings of light collars into a belt. Donna Summer was scheduled to play. Disco dancers dangled from wire hung contraptions which were supposed to be art. At nine, after I ate some carved meat and had a glass of champagne, I couldn't stay awake anymore. Plus, my back was really bothering me, so I left Jawbitch with Suzi and crashed back at the room. They must have had a whale of a time, as indicated by the photographic evidence of handsome foreign men being kissed by my wife, which I'll also post later.

Next morning, we packed, had breakfast with her aunt Janice and daughter Laura. After breakfast, I wanted to get an hour of blackjack in, but got interrupted during a winning streak for the baggage ticket. I had a slightly positive count on the deck, and two $25 bets on the table, which amounted to 20 counts each had, but the dealer pulled a 21. I rebet the same, doubled down on one hand and lost both hands again. So, I ended up down another $70. Janice drove us to the airport and we had a great direct Southwest flight back to the Peter J. McGowen-
it-'s-not-Even-a-Memorial Airport.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

What Happens in Vegas Part I ...

Jawbitch had a conference with a large dental implant manufacturer called Nobel Biocare (NB). So I went along as the trophy husband. We stayed in the MGM Grand Hotel. This is not really a hotel, it's more like a city unto itself.

They say that What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. But Vegas is on the Internet, afaik, so I should be free to tell you whatever happened, right?

On Wednesday, we got up at 5:30 a.m., caught the flight, and got there just before noon local (Pacific) time. I attended a work-related telephone conference while Jawbitch went to lectures. Then I went to the casino and checked out the smoke-free poker room. They had a variety of games: 2-4, 3-5 & 4-8 limit, 1-2 and 5-10 nolimit, Omaha, and horse. I played some 2-4 limit for a while, then switched to 1-2 no-limit. I did alright, came out at $150 up. At 8 p.m. I met Jawbitch and had dinner with the NB crew. Jawbitch had a few drinks with her Cali friend Suzi before dinner.

The wine at dinner did her in. She crashed right after dinner (10 p.m. PST). Pumped up on vicodin (from my recent back condition - more on that later) I decided to join our dinner companions, Ali and his wife for some late night gambling back at his hotel -- Caesar's Palace.

Turns out everyone knows this Persian doctor Ali at Caesar's. He earned his reputation when he played 53 hours of blackjack, straight. We sat down at a $25 table and played until my $300 ran out. That was 2 p.m. Then I went back to the Grand and played more poker until 4 a.m. PST. Live poker is much different from online -- way more fun. After being up by $150, I got spanked on the 1-2 no-limit table, and ended up down another $200.

More tomorrow.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Tournament Party Poker

Bluto taught me how to play this game. Basically, you just fold until everyone kills each other, then you bet a few hands when you're big blind. When 3 people are left, you win. But sometimes there are some players that are pretty good, and they try to put you out. In this game, I dodged the bullet, much to the frustration of Dan1stmate:

Dan1stmate: put G-man all in
Dan1stmate: NOW you can steal the pot
Dan1stmate: all in
Dan1stmate: hehe
KWhyte47: ill do it for u dan
[G-man folds]
Dan1stmate: we have to get Gman out
Dan1stmate: no offense G__man
OC00L: if you guys can't play your blinds then get some nuts
Dan1stmate: but you have no chance at this point
Dan1stmate: and i want third place
G_man123: wow whee, 3rd place
KWhyte47: well i want to finish in top 3
Dan1stmate: yea me too
Dan1stmate: gman JUST LEAVE
Dan1stmate: lol
G_man123: u leave, i'm just warming up
[G-man wins a hand]
KWhyte47: took u long enough
G_man123: all i need is a chip and a chair
Dan1stmate: no way he has the jacks
Dan1stmate: right Kwhyte?
G_man123: table talk is for sissys
KWhyte47: yeah but my kicker is so bad
KWhyte47: it was a 4
[G-man folds]
G_man123: u fight it out
Dan1stmate: gman, he's gonna bluff the pot
Dan1stmate: XXXX
Dan1stmate: what do i do
Dan1stmate: whataver
Dan1stmate: you can steal this one
G_man123: go all in luser
OC00L: bet
KWhyte47: show ocool
Dan1stmate: afraid he had fives
OC00L: i had a music group
[Dan loses]
Dan1stmate: ocool how bout you do me a big'ol favor and put gman all in evey time?
G_man123: conspiring will get u nowhere
OC00L: i love j 8
KWhyte47: well i go all in on this hand if u want me 2
G_man123: u could have made money K
[G-man calls big blind]
Dan1stmate: make or break it
[Dan goes all in]
Dan1stmate: im tired of ocol
Dan1stmate: i dont care what happens
[Dan has Big Slick, and gets beat by a queen on the river]
Dan1stmate: XXXX
Dan1stmate: did you see that?!
G_man123: later you loser
Dan1stmate: on the XXXXING kicker
Dan1stmate: RIVER*
KWhyte47: u mean turn
G_man123: i'm in the money
G_man123: i'm in the money
G_man123: i'm in the money
OC00L: i had a flush on the turn
Dan1stmate: whatever gman
Dan1stmate: that sucks--i haad the better cards and everything

Friday, June 10, 2005

Uncle Smelly, Carpet Muncher

Bluto bought an Infinity QX4. Two weeks later, Olive Oil was at a work party with GG. She brought the leftover trays of food over to our house, because she knew we were having visitors. Mostly our family-- the 3 dustwitches, Uncle Smelly, their young men, Bluto, and Olive herself. The trays were set up in the back of the truck by Bluto's friend Mike.

Olive: Should I put these on the floor?
Mike: No, leave them on the stands.
On the way back, the food spills all over the floor of the new car. GG, sensing the impending doom, ran out of the car into the house. Everyone came out to help scoop it back into the trays. Bluto was fuming.

Bluto: How far did you get?
Olive: It spilled in the parking lot.

As they were scooping, Uncle Smelly started eating the Chicken Franchese, right from the carpet.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Things I Heard on the Train

Two old ladies were sitting behind me

OL#2, to the conductor: How much is it to Babylon? If you don't have a ticket, do you have to pay a penalty?

Conductor: No, seniors don't have to pay a penalty.

OL#1: I guess the LIRR figures we're too feeble to figure out how to use the ticket machines.

After the conductor left, a lady walked through the Long Beach train, asking for $14. I was tempted to tell her I had the money for her, but I wanted to ask her what color her kids hair was, or other assorted factual questions, which she should know right away. I'd seen her several times before, so I knew she was a grifter (and not a very good one), and I felt like it would be worth $14 to listen to her twist in the wind.

OL#1: The last time I gave somebody some money, they guy turned out to be a beggar.

OL#2: Yeah, that happened to me last time I was in Vegas, playing the
slot machines.

So, I guess OL#1 is right -- why does the LIRR forego the ticket purchase penalty for seniors?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Fake Eye

Speaking of lazy eye, I once had a Calculus teacher with a glass eye. Like a bad case of suicide chicken, he'd get angry and start yelling at us, demanding an answer, but we could never figure out which one of us he was addressing. The person who goes first loses the game.

Markman Hearing's over, I'm going to Vegas, baby!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


I haven't thought much of OCS since I left. It was a place where I acquired certain skills and a vernacular that probably has little use anywhere else. Like a bad movie, the drill instructors woke us up very each morning, marched us to the showers, physical training ("PT"), the mess hall, the classroom, and back to the barracks (King Hall). As I recall, we spent many hours marching on the "grinder," a large paved area that could easily double as several basketball courts. Having the most severe case of spastic white-man's disease, I was not very good at marching, so my company designated me to be the "road guard." That's the guy who doesn't really march, he just runs ahead of the group, and stands at "parade rest" in the middle of an intersection to block traffic until the company marches past. After my designation, the company earned much higher marks on the graded drills.

I didn't know it until after 13 weeks into the program, but the drill instructors were actually the guys in the class ahead of us. Needless to say, I enjoyed the final thirteen weeks of the course. But I wasn't an ordinary drill instructor. I taught my indocs about their sound powered phones between their rooms (the wall sockets), the nurdles beneath their racks , which barber to avoid, and the in-your-face application of brutal humor during periods of immense tension to provoke an unpermitted smile.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Lesbian Best Seller

One of the newly made partners wrote a best-selling Lesbian novel while riding the train everyday into the city. You could say that she climaxed at the ladder to suck-cess.

There are several things about this situation that provokes my curiosity. First off, I haven't read her book, but I wonder what the hell she wrote about. Certainly not about Hello Kitty vibrators. I mean, what, if anything, about the train ride turned her on so much to write such steamy shit? Second, if I wrote any best-selling book, I'd quit my day job so fast, sell the house, get the double-wide, and check out that a low-pressure system would instantly materialize in my office. Finally, riddle me this, batman -- how many slimy seats did she leave behind on the train?

Given my narrow, hetero-male assessment of the situation, maybe you ladies can help me understand, 'cause I don't.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Agitating the Senior Associate

Ever notice how agitated some people get when you screw up little personal things, like their name? In this female-dominated age, errors are easily compounded, because nobody's really sure whether or how to hypenate, concatenate, order, serialize, or drop a second last name. Because many mispell my last name, I can relate. Usually I resort to something the nameholder wrote:

DA, in reply to my email attaching a letter: FYI: my name is [insert name including no hyphens, both last names, in the proper order here], ESQ. NOT [as I copied in the CC: line from an earlier letter, where I got the name from the firm phonebook]
G-man: Sorry, I know you are sensitive about that & I remember you yelling the last time I screwed that up. Let me send out another copy of the letter.
DA: whatever. Geek. don't you have to pack [to go somewhere] or something?
G-man, sensing gel oozing from DA's ruptured
squishy ball:
Whenever I read "geek," I hear you say it with admiration, right?
DA: lol. You know it baby.
G-man, now relieved: The worst part is, my secretary printed out a copy of that letter, but the stupid DM system never updates the DocID in the footer unless it's manually changed. So he really printed the original letter that I cloned it from. They should fix that and make it automatic. Fortunately, the letter didn't go out, because he couldn't pronounce "[insert recipient's name here]," which is how I discovered the mistake to begin with.
DA: I know, that is the dumbest thing. Maybe you should call the helpless desk. While your at it, you should take your wife's last name.
G-man: Yeah. Her cousin Bluto did that.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Psychedelic Wallpaper

Nita's toilet story reminded me of shortly after we purchased our current house. We removed drapes, carpets, sanded and stained wood floors where available, and installed new wood planking where absent, gutted and refurbished two out of four bathrooms, and retiled the floor and stripped the naugahide from walls in the lobby. But my favorite renovation was the patch job we did to the kitchen.

The kitchen comprised a leaky refrigerator above a blue colored, faux wood texture, rubber plank floor. We planned to replace the floor along with the psychedelic wallpaper, which the former owners were quite proud of.

They obviously dropped too much acid in the sixties. Anyway, we never got the chance to test out the wallpaper steamer, because every day, one or more of the workmen would peel a section of that annoying wallpaper off. By the time they were done with the rest of the house, the wall was ready-to-paint. Needless to say, that portion of the renovation was gratuitous, or as jawbitch put, it was on the house.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Lecture on the Subject of Neutering

I left work early last night for a vasectomy consult. Apparently, if it's done right, it's not really reversible, because they burn the end of your tubes to lock in the semen. This prevents a spermatic granuloma from forming, thereby rejoining the two ends of the tubes, and voila, you're no longer sterile.

G-man: Let's shop for groceries online. BTW, I went to the doctor today. He said that I needed three things before we schedule an appointment:
  1. U hafta sign the consent form. He said a lotta married guys lie about being married. He said that if the guy checks "single," he usually mails a copy of the stuff to his house and waits for the wife to call up about the procedure.
  2. U hafta drive me, becuz he's gonna give me valium.
  3. I need two jock straps. He said some people only buy one, but they get kinda gamey, becuz u gotta wear it for at least a week. And not the kind with a cup, because that just protects the equipment, but doesn't support it.

Jawbitch: Did he really use the word "gamey?"
G-man, snickering: Yeah, and he also said I need to put my balls on ice for
two days. He said frozen peas work well, because they conform to the
anatomy. Look, they got a couple of bags on sale!
Jawbitch: What did he say were the complications?
G-man: Swelling, and in a fraction of those treated, failure, and infection.
Jawbitch: What was the guy's name? Did he examine you?
G-man: I don't remember how to spell his name, but he confirmed I have two balls. He told me most guys who get this procedure are young and stupid, because they think it's reversible, but then wife #2 comes along after their midlife crisis, and usually wife #2 is younger and wants kids.
Jawbitch: wife #2 is just a sex toy anyway, not a life companion.
G-man: Yeah. Furthermore it takes two weeks for the sperm to run out, so you can't test out the operation right away without taking precautions. It's kinda like, they blew up the bridge over the river Kwai, but they have to finish the Battan death march before they're all really finished.